I was born the Wrong gender

November 1, 2014 § Leave a comment

My father reminds me daily that I was born the wrong gender.
Oh nonono, he doesn’t even respect me enough to tell me this to my face. Instead he shows it to me day by day as he dotes on my brother, praises him and even chugs down a beer with him.
But me?
I can never do anything right; I dress to showy, I can have too much to drink, I have no reason to watch football, I’m too arrogant and don’t deserve a ride to school.
At least according to him.
It’s so bullshit. I’m never one for feminism because its just the way I was raised. My parents always gave my brother more. Presents, allowance and even freedom, all because he has a dick between his legs.
I would understand if its was going out late and all that sort, but it’s not. And it’s becoming unbearable.
Most recently, my father promised me the night before to fetch me to school. And on that day itself, (he claimed I pissed him off in the morning) he said he wouldn’t fetch me at 8.30 when school starts at 9am and to take public transport to school would take one and a half hour to reach. It was so childish.
This was how the conversation went:
8.10 “are we going off now?? I need to be in school by 9.”
“I’m going to bath first, I’ll only leave by 8.30”
“What!?! You know I’ll be late”
“So? Late than late”
“Than I might as well not go school”
“Then don’t go school what’s that got to do with me”
“You promised! The least if you didn’t want to fetch me you could have told me earlier than I would take public transport myself”
“Well to bad, I’m leaving at 8.30”
To this point I just left and took a cab and today at dinner when I wanted to claim my cab fare back all he said was I was impatient and I should pay for his patrol for wanting him to fetch me.
Fucked up father I swear.
And after telling me off he proceeded to have a chummy gold ol’ time with my brother chugging down their beer.
I just hated them so much at that moment.
How can he do that.
Am I not his child too?
When I had a problem he always told me I was big enough to do it and even forced me to claim some stupid insurance claim for my damaged luggage on my recent China trip.
But when my brother hit another car (gosh there was barely a scratch on the other car) my dad was all over it.
If I too had a dick between my legs, would he treat me different?
Would he treat me better?
And maybe this is not the gender inequality they talk about as it doesn’t involve rape or sexual harassment.
But this is the one I’m going through and this is the unfairness I feel.
I was born a girl and now I am bias against. After 19 years, after living in someone else’s shadow I’m going to cast my own shadow.
I probably will never get the respect I longed for, but maybe years later, some girl in my position will. #heforshe #yesallwomen
XOXO
AG

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you.

October 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

You are kind

You are special

You have the ability to think (so think goddamnit)

You are strong and unfaltered

You have a mouth (so kiss that boy and kiss him hard.)

but most of all

You are me.

Before I am your sister, aunt,

mother, daughter-

I am my own person

and I will not set myself on fire

to keep you warm.” (as quoted from tumblr)

xoxo

AG

p.s this isn’t about me or a person or anything really. I just felt like it finally made sense to me in this moment.

(No title)

July 12, 2014 § Leave a comment

-I feel as though everything is a mess and my life is a complete disgrace.-

Well I feel like shit.

So far this entire year had been a major fuckity fucking joke. It’s like fucking Murphy’s Law. Whenever something bad happens, oh no, no good ever comes back. Things just keeps getting worse and worse, and I can only keep my head up for so long.
For instance I not only just broke my earpiece but I broke my phone screen, found out my friend betrayed me, no longer close with my bestfriend, everyone in my class thinks I’m a hotheaded douche, I failed my driving, lost 3 sunglasses, getting C average in classes and I’m getting fat. All these and it’s only been half a year.

To add on to that, recently, I was just socializing with some random people at a party, when one of the guys asked me,” so tell me about yourself”.

And I had no answer.

Other than the typical ASL, I had NOTHING I can say about myself.

I have no achievements, no commitment to anything, nothing about me ever stands out. I’m a wallflower and not the very literal freak one either.

It’s no wonder people get bored of me so easily.
I feel utterly disappointed in myself. I’ve spent 19 years on this earth and I’ve yet to accomplished anything but get fat.

But I’m not going to stay in this misery for long. I’m going to get out there, and take up boxing, study like a dog if I must to pull my grades up and buy a new earpiece.

Maybe then when someone asks me to tell them about myself, I’ll have something to say.

time capsule

May 3, 2014 § Leave a comment

Just moments ago, i was scrolling through an album i entitled ‘ my pictures'(despite every bloody thing in my folder was literally MY picture) and chanced upon some really old photos of me, my room etc.

I’m redoing my room just fyi. (which is why i said my room yo.)

i was just sooo shocked.

Like i found pictures of me when i first learnt how to smile properly, pictures of the weirdo shit i use to- and maybe still- do and even a weekly track of photos of my skin condition back then.

It was like a major throwback for me; the chubby but slightly better looking elf mini me taking selfies beneath curtains and playing with make up.

It was so surreal. And best still, i could even remember what i was doing when i took those pictures.

I cant help but smile as nostalgia takes over. It was like a tiny time capsule to me, and as i thought of that- i was reminded how insecure and unsure of myself I was back then. How i thought i was never good enough. Nay Sayers words got into my head back then and it took a toll in me.

And i just want to go back in time and tell myself, “It will get better.”

I suffered so much internally for never understanding myself, for always looking down on myself, for thinking how i will never be good in anything. I spent so much time in the shadows, i never felt the warmth i should have felt. I mean goddamnit i was only 11!( or 12 or 13) I should have been carefree and happy, not spending my time thinking what others thought of me.

Holy i am getting emotional as i write this.

I guess all i can say is that things change you know. It happens too often and so quickly that you wont have time to register it. And i guess i want that mini me to be proud of me now. For putting myself out there, for living for her. And in a way THIS too is a time capsule too. it’ll be like a little throwback for future me to look at. And maybe then i’ll be better than where i am now and that tiny ray of hope takes away the uncertainty of the future.

Its like that Disney The Kid staring Bruce Willis where he teleport back to his past and had to teach his mini him to face up to his challenges and at the end of the show the future of both of them appear and shows them that in the end it’ll be alright after all. SO i guess i’m saying i’m like Bruce Willis, who lives the rest of for the kid.

xoxo

AG

Reminder to self:

April 19, 2014 § Leave a comment

– To be the best you can ever be today, tomorrow and forever.
– Never let anyone’s harsh words bring you down.
– To stay super fit, get clearer skin and glossy hair to prove those mother tuckers that you AREN’T wasting what god had given to you.
– Never give up.
-stay true to your dreams and be happy.
Xoxo
AG

The great perhaps

April 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

“If you’re eyes could speak what would they say.”

Today I flew up to the skies
Soaring and gliding through the aimless purple abyss
Arms out wide, absorbing the mist, the fog-

the universe.

Today I flew above the clouds
Nothing but the glistening stars against the velvet set
And the moon
Ah the moon
The moon shone like it owned the sky, the night
Buts most of all: me

Today I flew and experienced love
Through the silver sparks against my midnight blues
Through the misted plastic sheet, separating me from the splendidness
The blinking signal at the tip of the areoplane
Through the stillness of space itself
And in that precious moment I saw
I saw the peace it brought, and boy was I stunned

Today I flew amongst the stars
and breathed in the great perhaps
with my own eyes

Today I saw one of the most beautiful thing ever and I feel shit for not noticing it before.
I flew on a midnight flight and for the first time ever- despite always flying- I saw how the magnificent night sky’s beauty was so preciously contained.
It was like an unexplainable feeling that I felt;
Like finding that rare big juicy oysters at a all you can eat mediocre buffet or singing along to your favorite touching love ballet and making that angst face at that one part because you just have to if not it wouldn’t be singing to that song at all then.

This must be how it felt to stargaze like they did in the past( my ancestors had it all man).
The poem itself cannot justify what I saw-it does satisfy the feeling- and most of all felt because I fell in love with what I saw and more so with what it meant.
I fell in love with the idea that there is an eternal out there.
A fairy pool of shimmery lights and bright eyes girls.
An indefinite.
And that is my great perhaps.
I can see the city lights as we now descend.
The plane would land soon and before the pesky flight attendant comes and ask me to put my device away and buckle up,I’m going to soak in the goodness of my midnight sky and appreciate the small things.
Xoxoxo
AG
PS quote at the top was from book thief.
PPS I will paint what I saw and post it here to help with the visual interpretation because the poem isn’t justifiable.
ppps I did paint it but it wasn’t as splendid as what I saw so I’m still contemplating whether to post it. Hmmmm

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A year older is a year wiser

March 21, 2014 § Leave a comment

I’d just realized the craziest thing. You know when you finally let go of all the negativity and ‘bad’ people for your soul, it actually opens a space for other positivity and ‘good’ people.
I’m not saying ‘bad’ people are bad necessarily, but more so like they aren’t doing you good and constantly bringing you down or making you feel down.
Honestly no one needs friends or family like that. I was recently reminded that friends and family should make you feel good about yourself. Here again, I’m not saying that they necessarily have done anything to you, but if you don’t feel comfortable or happy in their company than really what’s the point then?
I’ve been consuming myself in certain friendship trying to make them last, putting more effort in and etc; and at the end of the day I just end up feeling lonely and tired. So I just stopped.
Or at least stopped giving a damn and it felt good.
Not only did I gave less fucks I appreciated other things more. Like I would overlook small things my mom does for me but with the free time not feeling sorry for myself or trying to build a connection with people who wouldn’t care less, I noticed them.
Also, people whom I have sorta forgotten in my retreat of self induced pity, came back and showered me with affection and love. And I never would have cared for that if I was still giving faks.
So yeah, it’s my birthday and I’m happy. Not because of the people around me(despite some really nice and loving friends out there and the stuff they did for me), but because I choose to be.
Xoxo,(finally kisses because I ain’t getting younger)
AG