March 11, 2015 § Leave a comment
2014 I wished to be in control of my life. To be a proper adult.
I refused to date, get recklessly drunk and the idleness of lazing around seemed meaningless to me.
But nothing ever goes as planned, now do they?
Though I stuck to the ‘guiding principles’ I laid out for myself during 2014, it was the shittiest year I ever experienced in my mere 20 years. The more I tried to stay in control, the more heaven decides to shit on me.
Every time I tried to get get back on my feet, something else comes by and knocks me down. Be it shitty friends, failed classes, self-esteem issues- my whole world was collapsing. It was like fucking Murphy Law.
But, in a way, I did become an adult. I lost the sense of innocence and naivety every child shared.
And most of all, even though times got rough, I stuck to my lame principles, never giving in to temptation.
So I AM thankful for 2014 though, I realised that without isolating myself and learning how to be independent, I never would have washed my misshaped past behind me. Memories are just memories to me now. No emotions attached.
The most valuable lesson learnt through 2014- Life goes on, so let it go.
p.s yes that was Robert frost.
p.p.s and frozen.
November 16, 2014 § Leave a comment
Since I had “changed” I realize that I don’t really fit anywhere anymore.
I was out with my different group of friends, pre-change and post-change, when I realize how difficult it was to clique with both groups.
On one hand, I feel like i had changed too much that i couldn’t fit in with my older friends from pre-change me.
While on the other hand, since the change, I had mellowed down and now i no longer feel tight with the post change friends.
The change i go on and on about sound like I fucking turned into a vampire.
I finally understand when (BOARDWALK EMPIRE S4 SPOILER ALERT) Nucky in season 4 of boardwalk empire couldn’t get his business going because he didn’t gain the respect from other gangsters as he wasn’t full on gangster enough, and he couldn’t do business with reputable politicians because he had dirtied himself with illegal activities.
lol never in my life would I had thought the drama’s of boardwalk would find relevance in my life.
In a way, he became stuck.
Just like how I had become an inbetweener.
I don’t feel as though I belong anywhere anymore. I’m never fully with either cliques, I just drift by with them never fully myself.
But the funniest thing is, it doesn’t really bother me. Maybe after meltdown after meltdown, I’ve hardened and don’t give two fucks about anything.
Or maybe, just maybe, I have that hope that one day some other group will make me feel like I would never have to adapt to their personalities because we fit so perf.
5feb 2015- sort of do with my poly clique I guess
6 Nov 2015- technically no, still feel the same as i did a year ago, just accepted it and stopped looking for support in others.
November 1, 2014 § Leave a comment
My father reminds me daily that I was born the wrong gender.
Oh nonono, he doesn’t even respect me enough to tell me this to my face. Instead he shows it to me day by day as he dotes on my brother, praises him and even chugs down a beer with him.
I can never do anything right; I dress to showy, I can have too much to drink, I have no reason to watch football, I’m too arrogant and don’t deserve a ride to school.
At least according to him.
It’s so bullshit. I’m never one for feminism because its just the way I was raised. My parents always gave my brother more. Presents, allowance and even freedom, all because he has a dick between his legs.
I would understand if its was going out late and all that sort, but it’s not. And it’s becoming unbearable.
Most recently, my father promised me the night before to fetch me to school. And on that day itself, (he claimed I pissed him off in the morning) he said he wouldn’t fetch me at 8.30 when school starts at 9am and to take public transport to school would take one and a half hour to reach. It was so childish.
This was how the conversation went:
8.10 “are we going off now?? I need to be in school by 9.”
“I’m going to bath first, I’ll only leave by 8.30”
“What!?! You know I’ll be late”
“So? Late than late”
“Than I might as well not go school”
“Then don’t go school what’s that got to do with me”
“You promised! The least if you didn’t want to fetch me you could have told me earlier than I would take public transport myself”
“Well to bad, I’m leaving at 8.30”
To this point I just left and took a cab and today at dinner when I wanted to claim my cab fare back all he said was I was impatient and I should pay for his patrol for wanting him to fetch me.
Fucked up father I swear.
And after telling me off he proceeded to have a chummy gold ol’ time with my brother chugging down their beer.
I just hated them so much at that moment.
How can he do that.
Am I not his child too?
When I had a problem he always told me I was big enough to do it and even forced me to claim some stupid insurance claim for my damaged luggage on my recent China trip.
But when my brother hit another car (gosh there was barely a scratch on the other car) my dad was all over it.
If I too had a dick between my legs, would he treat me different?
Would he treat me better?
And maybe this is not the gender inequality they talk about as it doesn’t involve rape or sexual harassment.
But this is the one I’m going through and this is the unfairness I feel.
I was born a girl and now I am bias against. After 19 years, after living in someone else’s shadow I’m going to cast my own shadow.
I probably will never get the respect I longed for, but maybe years later, some girl in my position will. #heforshe #yesallwomen
October 16, 2014 § Leave a comment
You are kind
You are special
You have the ability to think (so think goddamnit)
You are strong and unfaltered
You have a mouth (so kiss that boy and kiss him hard.)
but most of all
You are me.
” Before I am your sister, aunt,
I am my own person
and I will not set myself on fire
to keep you warm.” (as quoted from tumblr)
p.s this isn’t about me or a person or anything really. I just felt like it finally made sense to me in this moment.
July 12, 2014 § Leave a comment
-I feel as though everything is a mess and my life is a complete disgrace.-
Well I feel like shit.
So far this entire year had been a major fuckity fucking joke. It’s like fucking Murphy’s Law. Whenever something bad happens, oh no, no good ever comes back. Things just keeps getting worse and worse, and I can only keep my head up for so long.
For instance I not only just broke my earpiece but I broke my phone screen, found out my friend betrayed me, no longer close with my bestfriend, everyone in my class thinks I’m a hotheaded douche, I failed my driving, lost 3 sunglasses, getting C average in classes and I’m getting fat. All these and it’s only been half a year.
To add on to that, recently, I was just socializing with some random people at a party, when one of the guys asked me,” so tell me about yourself”.
And I had no answer.
Other than the typical ASL, I had NOTHING I can say about myself.
I have no achievements, no commitment to anything, nothing about me ever stands out. I’m a wallflower and not the very literal freak one either.
It’s no wonder people get bored of me so easily.
I feel utterly disappointed in myself. I’ve spent 19 years on this earth and I’ve yet to accomplished anything but get fat.
But I’m not going to stay in this misery for long. I’m going to get out there, and take up boxing, study like a dog if I must to pull my grades up and buy a new earpiece.
Maybe then when someone asks me to tell them about myself, I’ll have something to say.
May 3, 2014 § Leave a comment
Just moments ago, i was scrolling through an album i entitled ‘ my pictures'(despite every bloody thing in my folder was literally MY picture) and chanced upon some really old photos of me, my room etc.
I’m redoing my room just fyi. (which is why i said my room yo.)
i was just sooo shocked.
Like i found pictures of me when i first learnt how to smile properly, pictures of the weirdo shit i use to- and maybe still- do and even a weekly track of photos of my skin condition back then.
It was like a major throwback for me; the chubby but slightly better looking elf mini me taking selfies beneath curtains and playing with make up.
It was so surreal. And best still, i could even remember what i was doing when i took those pictures.
I cant help but smile as nostalgia takes over. It was like a tiny time capsule to me, and as i thought of that- i was reminded how insecure and unsure of myself I was back then. How i thought i was never good enough. Nay Sayers words got into my head back then and it took a toll in me.
And i just want to go back in time and tell myself, “It will get better.”
I suffered so much internally for never understanding myself, for always looking down on myself, for thinking how i will never be good in anything. I spent so much time in the shadows, i never felt the warmth i should have felt. I mean goddamnit i was only 11!( or 12 or 13) I should have been carefree and happy, not spending my time thinking what others thought of me.
Holy i am getting emotional as i write this.
I guess all i can say is that things change you know. It happens too often and so quickly that you wont have time to register it. And i guess i want that mini me to be proud of me now. For putting myself out there, for living for her. And in a way THIS too is a time capsule too. it’ll be like a little throwback for future me to look at. And maybe then i’ll be better than where i am now and that tiny ray of hope takes away the uncertainty of the future.
Its like that Disney The Kid staring Bruce Willis where he teleport back to his past and had to teach his mini him to face up to his challenges and at the end of the show the future of both of them appear and shows them that in the end it’ll be alright after all. SO i guess i’m saying i’m like Bruce Willis, who lives the rest of for the kid.
April 19, 2014 § Leave a comment
– To be the best you can ever be today, tomorrow and forever.
– Never let anyone’s harsh words bring you down.
– To stay super fit, get clearer skin and glossy hair to prove those mother tuckers that you AREN’T wasting what god had given to you.
– Never give up.
-stay true to your dreams and be happy.