November 1, 2014 § Leave a comment
My father reminds me daily that I was born the wrong gender.
Oh nonono, he doesn’t even respect me enough to tell me this to my face. Instead he shows it to me day by day as he dotes on my brother, praises him and even chugs down a beer with him.
I can never do anything right; I dress to showy, I can have too much to drink, I have no reason to watch football, I’m too arrogant and don’t deserve a ride to school.
At least according to him.
It’s so bullshit. I’m never one for feminism because its just the way I was raised. My parents always gave my brother more. Presents, allowance and even freedom, all because he has a dick between his legs.
I would understand if its was going out late and all that sort, but it’s not. And it’s becoming unbearable.
Most recently, my father promised me the night before to fetch me to school. And on that day itself, (he claimed I pissed him off in the morning) he said he wouldn’t fetch me at 8.30 when school starts at 9am and to take public transport to school would take one and a half hour to reach. It was so childish.
This was how the conversation went:
8.10 “are we going off now?? I need to be in school by 9.”
“I’m going to bath first, I’ll only leave by 8.30”
“What!?! You know I’ll be late”
“So? Late than late”
“Than I might as well not go school”
“Then don’t go school what’s that got to do with me”
“You promised! The least if you didn’t want to fetch me you could have told me earlier than I would take public transport myself”
“Well to bad, I’m leaving at 8.30”
To this point I just left and took a cab and today at dinner when I wanted to claim my cab fare back all he said was I was impatient and I should pay for his patrol for wanting him to fetch me.
Fucked up father I swear.
And after telling me off he proceeded to have a chummy gold ol’ time with my brother chugging down their beer.
I just hated them so much at that moment.
How can he do that.
Am I not his child too?
When I had a problem he always told me I was big enough to do it and even forced me to claim some stupid insurance claim for my damaged luggage on my recent China trip.
But when my brother hit another car (gosh there was barely a scratch on the other car) my dad was all over it.
If I too had a dick between my legs, would he treat me different?
Would he treat me better?
And maybe this is not the gender inequality they talk about as it doesn’t involve rape or sexual harassment.
But this is the one I’m going through and this is the unfairness I feel.
I was born a girl and now I am bias against. After 19 years, after living in someone else’s shadow I’m going to cast my own shadow.
I probably will never get the respect I longed for, but maybe years later, some girl in my position will. #heforshe #yesallwomen
March 9, 2014 § Leave a comment
I don’t know if its a pre- birthday syndrome or if its Pms, but recently I’ve been feeling like shit.
So many word can describe how I feel yet I’m having trouble saying them out to people that care; or at least I think care.
My birthday is just around the corner and even getting my group of friends to decide on a day to celebrate it is too hard. All I wanted was to watch Disney on ice. Yet, of the three main groups of ‘cliques’ I have; 1 can’t make the dates, another don’t want to go and rather I spent my birthday doing something less childish, and the last group that I thought I’ll end up going with, ended by canceling last minute saying they might not be free after all.
I’m not saying it applied to everyone in the groups but majority, and quite frankly I’m tired.
Tired of getting disappointed, tired to trying to get everyone to agree on one date tired of everything really.
I’m feeling like how I felt last year, when everything was overwhelming me( parents grades boys parties etc etc); like no one cares.
That if I weren’t to celebrate my birthday or even exist, I think they’ll mourn for a period of time and move on.
Because I guess I’m just not that important.
And it isn’t even as though I’m forcing them to go! I’m just like if you can alright if not its fine too. But I guess the feeling of everyone slowly canceling out on you makes you lose the mood to even celebrate it.
So I’m NOT going for my Disney on ice. And even when I brought it up to one of my good friends, all she said was quit bitching about it. As though I’m not understanding and couldn’t see that other things like some stupid camp means more than my birthday.
Or maybe it is.
Or at least to them.
February 19, 2013 § Leave a comment
I’m back! After a short break from blogging.
As of right now, I’m jobless, boyfriendless and all of my friends had ditched me for their jobs. I have like another 2 months before school starts and this is NOT how I imagine my break to be; staying home playing sims:/. ( okay only did that for like 2 weeks so far)
And that is only the first problem.
Despite already having realised what a loser I am that I stay home almost everyday for 2 weeks, it dawn onto me that it has been 3 months since school end and I have yet to find that significant other. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was at least dating but I’m not! I’m starting to lose my touch( if I ever had it). To fully emphatize with me, you have to know I promised myself not to date till school ends… Anddd it has ended.
See, losing my touch.
Like seriously I feel real pathetic right now. I tell myself I’m focusing on being me- rediscovering myself- when in actual fact( as I realised just before finding the urge to blog) I have too much time being me that I need other things to just come into my life and give me the drama I need now.
TO TOP IT OFF, my dad just won’t stop breathing down my neck. Tomorrow I’m finally meeting some friends of mine after like forever, and he was interrogating me! And he just assumed I’ll be out late doing what? Prostituting myself?!
The best thing was that I’m just going to her house! In the afternoon!
And it’s not like I go out dressing like a slut, so I have no idea how he got to thinking like that.
Yeah okay I do go out late sometimes, but I’m 18! Not 11.. I know how to take care of myself alright.
And this wasn’t the first time he’s doing this, it’s just the moment where I finally cracked.
Arghh, I need that annoying saying in Dragon Age ( you know the ‘ do you need a ladder? To get off my back’) on repeat. 24/7. Well, at least when he’s around. It’s like I have no personal space anymore.
And when I do go out late I dread coming home because I know he’ll immediately assume and start interrogating me to death. WHICH MAKES ME WANT TO GO HOME EVEN LATER.
Not only does he assumes I’m up to no good, he doesn’t believed me when I tell the truth.
For instance, few nights ago I said I’m going out and he OUT OF NOWHERE said I had to be home by 10. I’m fucking 18. I had been out later than that when I was younger. So I ignored that and told my mom I’ll be home late(which she was cool about). So I came home that night at bout 1am( Which isn’t all that bad compared to the timing my brother usually comes back by)and I made my way back to my Room quietly, changed washed my face and hopped into my bed. AND THEN HE came into my room and started asking a bunch of questions. I didn’t want to piss him off so I just answered them. He was like what mode of transport did you come back by? And I was like bus( WHICH IS TRUE) and he was like don’t lie, who sent you home.
For him it would probably a glory moment, thinking he’s a good dad because he caught me in a lie but OH THE IRONY,I WASN’T LYING. Unless you’re to tell me the journey back home was a lie. And also that makes him a bad dad for not believing in his daughter.
I’m fuming mad right now I can’t even fall asleep.
Not to mention just now I turned the lights off in my room at about 10 and he shouted, like really shouted across the rooms,” why you going to sleep so early?”
It’s one think to be protective and worry about you’re daughter coming home late but that just crossed the line into being overprotective.
And very annoying.
He needs to get off my back. Pronto. Before I do anything drastic.
OO,(saving my kisses)
1nov2014- lol I was such a geek. And my dad’s not as bad as before.
December 23, 2012 § Leave a comment
I figured since its Christmas I should probably post a .. post.
Despite being in the middle of two draft post,( YES can you believe that?! I can’t seem to finish up my post! Every time I want to post it some random rubbish thought pops into my head and making me think my post wasn’t good enough.urgh ) I thought,”hey let’s make my life difficult and write another post!”
I’m such a masochist.( not in a sexual way you pervs)
So Christmas has come again(yay). Time to sit by the fireplace and enjoy a cup of hot coacoa in the company of your love ones.
For me Christmas is trying to sit through an entire Christmas dinner without getting burnt alive.
Well, Christmas Eve actually. On Christmas Day itself I sit on the couch watching Christmas movies on hallmark wishing it’ll snow here, ( it’s bloody summer all year round. Grrrr) or go to a party woot!
Which got me thinking( it somehow did) isn’t Christmas actually about Jesus?
It’s like the birth of Christ is long forgotten beneath mountains of presents.
I mean when I was younger I never knew Christmas was about Jesus,I just knew it was a day I get more free stuff. And this is coming from a catholic. ( yes, I’m a believer.)
A solemn affair had been chocolate coated ( because I’m abstaining from sugar) with gifts, snow and hallmark movies and BAM. We have Christmas.
I don’t get why Jesus bday have to be so dressed up for people to celebrate it. Is it such a dread that we have to tell children made believe stories to get them interested in Christmas? Bribe them with presents so that they’d enjoy this already joyous occasion? Must there really be a cause to celebrate Jesus bday?
In that case, than all hope in humanity is lost. Literally. Golly be damned if we can’t simply celebrate a special someone on their special day without the North Pole or ELFS or hot Christmas tea! ( though it taste amazing. They weren’t lying when they said its like Christmas in your mouth.)
And I haven’t even started on Santa.
So if we all just put down the gifts we are holding and take a moment to think for little baby Jesus that was born today. And celebrate that.