Lessons Never Learnt

April 14, 2016 § Leave a comment

Well I’m pissed….

Yesterday I met a pretty cute and decent human being, who turned out to be a typical douche. He was a promoter at a club my friends and I went to (yeah so he was from a club, what should I expect yeah?) , and he was friendly and normal throughout the beginning of the night. To prove how he was a decent human, when loose drunk girls threw themselves on him, he just brush them off, doing the minimum to entertain them as per his job.

SO when he came onto me, I didn’t think he was that bad. We ended up kissing, and he was decent enough not to grope me. And each time we were on the dance floor, he would stand next to me, with his arm around my waist.

I mean what does that look like to you? That he was at least somewhat interested right?

Well, it turns out that he was somewhat interested in other girls too that night, and the best part of it all was that he may have came onto me and kissed me, but he asked the other girl for her number. My pride was perpetually hurt from being the girl you use and toss.

And it wasn’t till later when I saw he left a hickey on upper neck.

I mean who leaves anyone a hickey these days??? What are we? 12??? Whats worse was when I texted him,” You left me a hickey?????” , which he replied,”Oh Yeah sorry about that”.

I mean come on, I have work, why brand me a slut? And I’m not some toy to throw a corner when you’re done playing with. You have those drunk loose girls, who were more than willing to fuck you ( I have to admit he was pretty good looking). I mean I’m not a desperate slut who threw herself onto him, why play with me?

Now that I think about it, I don’t know who I’m more pissed at, the guy for being a stereotypical male chauvinist, or at myself, for putting myself in such a compromising position (especially since I’m 21 and should have gotten my shit together by now). To add to the long list of regrets, I BROKE my promise to myself that I wouldn’t kiss another guy while I had my braces on (A promise I kept for 2 WHOLE FUCKING YEARS).

I may be vexed by him, but i’m plainly disappointed in myself. For everything above, but mostly for thinking this guy from a club would be different from any other time. That I offered the milk before he even considered to purchase the cow ( wow that analogy). You would think after going through this time and time again, I would have learnt my lesson. But I guess some lessons I’ll never learn.

God, I can’t wait to be famous and write this all in my best selling novel.

 

xoxo

AG

Once a cheater, Always a cheater

June 17, 2015 § Leave a comment

In my very first post (which you can click here… or just scroll down, there isn’t much post to scroll through), I mentioned how I thought my mother was cheating on my dad.

How angry and hurt I felt.

How ashamed I became of her.

How I tried to discount her actions as paranoia on my end.

How I resented her for being a cheat.

I scowled whenever she talks to me, and ignore when she requested help from me.

I didn’t want to be associated with such a person.

I blamed her for the dysfunctional  family.(Okay, maybe thats going a step too far, it’s not like anyone else knew)

Even when it wasn’t her fault.

And some years down from that, i mentioned( or did I?) how I was a cheatee. Or at least the ‘side girl’ of a cheater.

I started catching feelings for this boy, who ended up breaking my heart into two.

I hated him for making me feel like I was nothing.

I felt dirty and disgusted with myself.

And once again, I detest cheaters.

Why do they get to get away scotch free?

Years ago, I pitied my dad for being so ignorant to the fact my mother was cheating on him. I always saw the love in his eyes when he looked at my mother, but not through hers.

But 5 years flew by, and i’m starting to relate to why my mother did what she did.

As i slowly begin to understood the things around me, I saw my dad was a bully and a brute.

He threw his temper when he felt his Kingly male statues was threatened.

As I begin to build a mind of my own, I saw he knew he was losing control over me. He became unreasonable, and troublesome to deal with.

And for a moment, I empathized with my mother. Soft and caring, this hard man tore her from her path.

She knew she married the wrong man.

Yet she stayed. Because that’s what a good catholic woman do, don’t they?

And in that light, I understood why she cheated.

I still detest the act itself, but I finally see why she was driven to find love elsewhere.

In a way, I understood why He was driven to find love in me.

And why, when she finally could offer him more back, He left me high and dry.

I don’t blame him. I get it. Really.

We’re all just looking for something to fill us up.

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