Paranoia at it’s best

March 27, 2017 § Leave a comment

What do you do when you’ve met the love of your life, and months down the road, he tells you he had a one night stand before he met you?

Don’t know how to feel about it? Well, me neither.

I can’t even justify why I feel so confused. Part of me felt cheated on; lied to. But part of me felt that he could have just kept it hidden. And he didn’t, which says something right?

But is the latter just me trying to downplay how I really feel? Because it’s not as though we’ve never brooch the topic of sex before. He knows my history (or the lack of) and I know his (or so I thought). Then, why the hell didn’t he say anything before??

The act itself is one thing, it clashes with my moral standing altogether. I mean I freaking waited for the right person. And this just shines a light on his fuckboy ways- one I’m not sure I can accept.

But still, this doesn’t make him less of an amazing person who treats me really well. I know it’s not fair to judge him based on this one act, and that if I really knew him, this wouldn’t change how I feel about him. But what if what I know of him, isn’t really him? I mean i didn’t think he was capable of one night stands before, but he proved me wrong.

I’m just..Why am I so affected?!?!?

 

 

*edit* So it’s been about a month since he told me. Throughout March, I’ve been affected, okay, then extremely affect and okay again. I’ve come to realise, that only because I’m really serious about our relationship, that it affected me so much. If we were just dating, I probably wouldn’t care much, because he wouldn’t have mattered you see. And this vicious cycle of me getting affected over and over again, isn’t helping make our relationship work.

So I came to a decision.

I though long and hard if he was really who I wanted to be with, and if I still saw a future with him in it- I have to move on. And I thought, though it wasn’t nice to know about that, it doesn’t make him a ‘bad’ person  for having a one night stand. Especially because he was amazing to me, even when I was shitty towards him. And I think qualities like this makes a person, much less a single act.

Am I over it? I guess so. Even if I’m not, I’ll try my best to get over it. Because I realised now (took me long enough) that, despite this episode, he’s still the same person. And that I shouldn’t give up on a relationship that’s been working perfectly. Basically, he’s still worth making an effort for.

 

p.s. That is, for our relationship at least (I can’t speak for others in a similar situation).

 

xoxo

AG

My pilgrimage years

March 17, 2015 § Leave a comment

I stood up panting, amazed that I manage to swim across to a secluded manmade island, about 500m away from the shoreline.
The sun was setting, twisting in the sky’s shades of purple and red. I sat on the rocky structure of the breakwater as white shots of bubbles surfaced with every wave that crashed against the artificial rocks. SPLASH. SPLASH. The splosh splash of the waves soothed my tired aching body. Inhaling the salted air, I slouched into a self-reflective state. In the corner, I glimpsed a dragonfly dancing towards the branches, beaconing his fellow troupe behind to follow him through the proportionally planted forest. I smiled, thinking how oblivious it was to my presence, as though nothing had changed.

Below, the waves splashed against the dark rocks- its repetition slowed my ragged breathe. I felt its draw, calling me to jump in, teasing me to join the serendipity it entrust. Imagine the chilly waters soothing my flushed body, moulding me, caressing me. My thighs lifted from the rough surface, my bounce sprung back to life. My heart raced as adrenaline pumped through my veins. In that moment, nothing but a sense of thrill filled me.
This is the kind of moments I should live in! I thought to myself.
My feet balled up- ready to pounce at my every command.
But I hesitated.
In that moment of contemplation, I realized how close to death I was. I stared at the cold water relentlessly smashing against the hard granite.
I reached for the nearest branch, tossing it into the waters. Almost instantly, the merciless waters swallowed up the thin fragile branch. Holding my breath, I hoped for signs of brown oak to surface. But the sea calmly returned to it repetitive crashes, as though nothing happened.
I closed my eyes as I fell back onto my bum. I was this close to plunging to my death, and what scared me the most was how unafraid of death I was.
Within those short moments, no precious memories flashed across my eyes. No happiness, no sadness. Just emptiness dwelled inside me.
Was this what it’s like to contemplate suicide? No pain, no anger, just the feeling of loneliness. There was no need for anyone to isolate me, I did it to myself.
No one would care if I gave up now.

I had friends, plenty, but no one can fill the gaping hole within me.
I hadn’t accomplished much, I wouldn’t even be the talk of the town.

I had nothing. I came into this world as nothing and I am willing to return to being nothing.

Once again, I edged closer to the sea, understanding the weight of my decision.
Out of nowhere, a dragonfly flew towards me, hovering in front of my face; interrupting the dark thoughts clouding my vision. Its light bouncy action drew my attention away from the mesmerizing ocean. Its wings hummed through the air. Something about the way it swayed back and forth, wiggling its lanky body, made it seem blissful. It had nothing, but it was happy. It moved as though nothing weighted it down. As if it understood I would be okay, it swayed its way back to the others.
Finally, it was dusk and the sky was envelope by deep hues of indigo and magenta. A ship blared in the distance, breaking my concentration. I stood up and took in the tranquil atmosphere for the last time.
As much as I would like to end a meaningless life here and now, I couldn’t. I wasn’t too scared of the unknown it held. I just knew I wasn’t meant to end my story here.
I turned around and made my way through the man-made surroundings and back to the mainland.

Guiding Principles to being a proper adult

March 11, 2015 § Leave a comment

2014 I wished to be in control of my life. To be a proper adult.

I refused to date, get recklessly drunk and the idleness of lazing around seemed meaningless to me.

But nothing ever goes as planned, now do they?

Though I stuck to the ‘guiding principles’ I laid out for myself during 2014, it was the shittiest year I ever experienced in my mere 20 years. The more I tried to stay in control, the more heaven decides to shit on me.

Every time I tried to get get back on my feet, something else comes by and knocks me down. Be it shitty friends, failed classes, self-esteem issues- my whole world was collapsing. It was like fucking Murphy Law.

But, in a way, I did become an adult. I lost the sense of innocence and naivety every child shared.

And most of all, even though times got rough, I stuck to my lame principles, never giving in to temptation.

So I AM thankful for 2014 though, I realised that without isolating myself and learning how to be independent, I never would have washed my misshaped past behind me. Memories are just memories to me now. No emotions attached.

The most valuable lesson learnt through 2014- Life goes on, so let it go.

xoxo,

AG

p.s yes that was Robert frost.

p.p.s and frozen.

you.

October 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

You are kind

You are special

You have the ability to think (so think goddamnit)

You are strong and unfaltered

You have a mouth (so kiss that boy and kiss him hard.)

but most of all

You are me.

Before I am your sister, aunt,

mother, daughter-

I am my own person

and I will not set myself on fire

to keep you warm.” (as quoted from tumblr)

xoxo

AG

p.s this isn’t about me or a person or anything really. I just felt like it finally made sense to me in this moment.

(No title)

July 12, 2014 § Leave a comment

-I feel as though everything is a mess and my life is a complete disgrace.-

Well I feel like shit.

So far this entire year had been a major fuckity fucking joke. It’s like fucking Murphy’s Law. Whenever something bad happens, oh no, no good ever comes back. Things just keeps getting worse and worse, and I can only keep my head up for so long.
For instance I not only just broke my earpiece but I broke my phone screen, found out my friend betrayed me, no longer close with my bestfriend, everyone in my class thinks I’m a hotheaded douche, I failed my driving, lost 3 sunglasses, getting C average in classes and I’m getting fat. All these and it’s only been half a year.

To add on to that, recently, I was just socializing with some random people at a party, when one of the guys asked me,” so tell me about yourself”.

And I had no answer.

Other than the typical ASL, I had NOTHING I can say about myself.

I have no achievements, no commitment to anything, nothing about me ever stands out. I’m a wallflower and not the very literal freak one either.

It’s no wonder people get bored of me so easily.
I feel utterly disappointed in myself. I’ve spent 19 years on this earth and I’ve yet to accomplished anything but get fat.

But I’m not going to stay in this misery for long. I’m going to get out there, and take up boxing, study like a dog if I must to pull my grades up and buy a new earpiece.

Maybe then when someone asks me to tell them about myself, I’ll have something to say.

time capsule

May 3, 2014 § Leave a comment

Just moments ago, i was scrolling through an album i entitled ‘ my pictures'(despite every bloody thing in my folder was literally MY picture) and chanced upon some really old photos of me, my room etc.

I’m redoing my room just fyi. (which is why i said my room yo.)

i was just sooo shocked.

Like i found pictures of me when i first learnt how to smile properly, pictures of the weirdo shit i use to- and maybe still- do and even a weekly track of photos of my skin condition back then.

It was like a major throwback for me; the chubby but slightly better looking elf mini me taking selfies beneath curtains and playing with make up.

It was so surreal. And best still, i could even remember what i was doing when i took those pictures.

I cant help but smile as nostalgia takes over. It was like a tiny time capsule to me, and as i thought of that- i was reminded how insecure and unsure of myself I was back then. How i thought i was never good enough. Nay Sayers words got into my head back then and it took a toll in me.

And i just want to go back in time and tell myself, “It will get better.”

I suffered so much internally for never understanding myself, for always looking down on myself, for thinking how i will never be good in anything. I spent so much time in the shadows, i never felt the warmth i should have felt. I mean goddamnit i was only 11!( or 12 or 13) I should have been carefree and happy, not spending my time thinking what others thought of me.

Holy i am getting emotional as i write this.

I guess all i can say is that things change you know. It happens too often and so quickly that you wont have time to register it. And i guess i want that mini me to be proud of me now. For putting myself out there, for living for her. And in a way THIS too is a time capsule too. it’ll be like a little throwback for future me to look at. And maybe then i’ll be better than where i am now and that tiny ray of hope takes away the uncertainty of the future.

Its like that Disney The Kid staring Bruce Willis where he teleport back to his past and had to teach his mini him to face up to his challenges and at the end of the show the future of both of them appear and shows them that in the end it’ll be alright after all. SO i guess i’m saying i’m like Bruce Willis, who lives the rest of for the kid.

xoxo

AG

The great perhaps

April 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

“If you’re eyes could speak what would they say.”

Today I flew up to the skies
Soaring and gliding through the aimless purple abyss
Arms out wide, absorbing the mist, the fog-

the universe.

Today I flew above the clouds
Nothing but the glistening stars against the velvet set
And the moon
Ah the moon
The moon shone like it owned the sky, the night
Buts most of all: me

Today I flew and experienced love
Through the silver sparks against my midnight blues
Through the misted plastic sheet, separating me from the splendidness
The blinking signal at the tip of the areoplane
Through the stillness of space itself
And in that precious moment I saw
I saw the peace it brought, and boy was I stunned

Today I flew amongst the stars
and breathed in the great perhaps
with my own eyes

Today I saw one of the most beautiful thing ever and I feel shit for not noticing it before.
I flew on a midnight flight and for the first time ever- despite always flying- I saw how the magnificent night sky’s beauty was so preciously contained.
It was like an unexplainable feeling that I felt;
Like finding that rare big juicy oysters at a all you can eat mediocre buffet or singing along to your favorite touching love ballet and making that angst face at that one part because you just have to if not it wouldn’t be singing to that song at all then.

This must be how it felt to stargaze like they did in the past( my ancestors had it all man).
The poem itself cannot justify what I saw-it does satisfy the feeling- and most of all felt because I fell in love with what I saw and more so with what it meant.
I fell in love with the idea that there is an eternal out there.
A fairy pool of shimmery lights and bright eyes girls.
An indefinite.
And that is my great perhaps.
I can see the city lights as we now descend.
The plane would land soon and before the pesky flight attendant comes and ask me to put my device away and buckle up,I’m going to soak in the goodness of my midnight sky and appreciate the small things.
Xoxoxo
AG
PS quote at the top was from book thief.
PPS I will paint what I saw and post it here to help with the visual interpretation because the poem isn’t justifiable.
ppps I did paint it but it wasn’t as splendid as what I saw so I’m still contemplating whether to post it. Hmmmm

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