April 14, 2016 § Leave a comment
Well I’m pissed….
Yesterday I met a pretty cute and decent human being, who turned out to be a typical douche. He was a promoter at a club my friends and I went to (yeah so he was from a club, what should I expect yeah?) , and he was friendly and normal throughout the beginning of the night. To prove how he was a decent human, when loose drunk girls threw themselves on him, he just brush them off, doing the minimum to entertain them as per his job.
SO when he came onto me, I didn’t think he was that bad. We ended up kissing, and he was decent enough not to grope me. And each time we were on the dance floor, he would stand next to me, with his arm around my waist.
I mean what does that look like to you? That he was at least somewhat interested right?
Well, it turns out that he was somewhat interested in other girls too that night, and the best part of it all was that he may have came onto me and kissed me, but he asked the other girl for her number. My pride was perpetually hurt from being the girl you use and toss.
And it wasn’t till later when I saw he left a hickey on upper neck.
I mean who leaves anyone a hickey these days??? What are we? 12??? Whats worse was when I texted him,” You left me a hickey?????” , which he replied,”Oh Yeah sorry about that”.
I mean come on, I have work, why brand me a slut? And I’m not some toy to throw a corner when you’re done playing with. You have those drunk loose girls, who were more than willing to fuck you ( I have to admit he was pretty good looking). I mean I’m not a desperate slut who threw herself onto him, why play with me?
Now that I think about it, I don’t know who I’m more pissed at, the guy for being a stereotypical male chauvinist, or at myself, for putting myself in such a compromising position (especially since I’m 21 and should have gotten my shit together by now). To add to the long list of regrets, I BROKE my promise to myself that I wouldn’t kiss another guy while I had my braces on (A promise I kept for 2 WHOLE FUCKING YEARS).
I may be vexed by him, but i’m plainly disappointed in myself. For everything above, but mostly for thinking this guy from a club would be different from any other time. That I offered the milk before he even considered to purchase the cow ( wow that analogy). You would think after going through this time and time again, I would have learnt my lesson. But I guess some lessons I’ll never learn.
God, I can’t wait to be famous and write this all in my best selling novel.
November 16, 2014 § Leave a comment
Since I had “changed” I realize that I don’t really fit anywhere anymore.
I was out with my different group of friends, pre-change and post-change, when I realize how difficult it was to clique with both groups.
On one hand, I feel like i had changed too much that i couldn’t fit in with my older friends from pre-change me.
While on the other hand, since the change, I had mellowed down and now i no longer feel tight with the post change friends.
The change i go on and on about sound like I fucking turned into a vampire.
I finally understand when (BOARDWALK EMPIRE S4 SPOILER ALERT) Nucky in season 4 of boardwalk empire couldn’t get his business going because he didn’t gain the respect from other gangsters as he wasn’t full on gangster enough, and he couldn’t do business with reputable politicians because he had dirtied himself with illegal activities.
lol never in my life would I had thought the drama’s of boardwalk would find relevance in my life.
In a way, he became stuck.
Just like how I had become an inbetweener.
I don’t feel as though I belong anywhere anymore. I’m never fully with either cliques, I just drift by with them never fully myself.
But the funniest thing is, it doesn’t really bother me. Maybe after meltdown after meltdown, I’ve hardened and don’t give two fucks about anything.
Or maybe, just maybe, I have that hope that one day some other group will make me feel like I would never have to adapt to their personalities because we fit so perf.
5feb 2015- sort of do with my poly clique I guess
6 Nov 2015- technically no, still feel the same as i did a year ago, just accepted it and stopped looking for support in others.
April 19, 2014 § Leave a comment
– To be the best you can ever be today, tomorrow and forever.
– Never let anyone’s harsh words bring you down.
– To stay super fit, get clearer skin and glossy hair to prove those mother tuckers that you AREN’T wasting what god had given to you.
– Never give up.
-stay true to your dreams and be happy.
February 17, 2014 § Leave a comment
Since i haven’t been blogging recently( or at all the past year) ,I’d decided to post some blog post i found on the internet i found unconventionally- not just because its after the big Vday and most of the post are about lubdub- funny. ( i don’t think some were meant to be funny but i did ha.ha.ha)
(^this is really funny)
(this one too^^^)
(bad poetry at its finest!)
(i actually like this.)
p.s i just found out that 17 year old me did not understand the difference between ‘rent’ and ‘rant’.
p.p.s from the categories.
August 17, 2013 § Leave a comment
so I finally got my shyte together and decided whats wrong with me.
But in all seriousness, I’m finally understand and accepting my new life. Like i’m at the peak of my teenagerishhood thingy that everybody seems to pass through. (I’m only making this deduction because all songs seem to fit my life perfectly.)
It seems like a whirlwind of alcohol, party and boys, but really when you’re up at 4 in the morning eating in a nearby food place with your close friends talking about anything and everything, time just pauses.
And you’ll learn to appreciate the ‘slowness’ in life. Appreciate what makes you happy. Learnt that there’s more to life than beyond what you read. Learn that partying isn’t everything. Learn that getting high isn’t everything. Discover that sometimes all you need is the cool breeze and good company.
And I finally feel happy.
Like legit happy.
I used to think I was happy but really, i was just ‘trying’ to be. I don’t really know how to explain this, like, I was so caught up trying to ‘improve’ my life, trying to get better at things that i never realize where i stood itself was close to perfection. I kept longing for what I don’t already have, never appreciating what i did have.
Maybe its all because i have been low for so long, i feel infinite now.
As of now, life is perfect. No i do not have a significant other, nor do i have the perfect grades. My friends are crazy, my family hard to please.
But i guess you just have to see how imperfect things are to realize that everything is actually perfect.
p.s songs likee This is What Makes Us Girls- Lana Del Rey, Homewrecker- Marina and the Diamonds etc etc.. (because i’m too lazy to think)
July 27, 2013 § Leave a comment
its been urmmmmm….
A long time okay. I know .
But its not like anyone reads this blog so ahah ahah ahah.
A little update since i last left off. Well, my school has started (duh).
so I’ll start with school.
DEFINITELY NOT WHAT I EXPECTED. i was so ‘un-used’ to school and being thrown into a whole new environment pushed me off course. I even cried (well, i was high:/) about coping with it.
But i’ve gotten use to it now. Its still extremely hectic and freaking taxing on poor poor me, but i’m managing myself -and my new life- well now. (i hope.) My school friends are awesomeee. they are drama-free, stress-free, and they make me laugh all day. I swear. And for once in my life, I can call my guy friend ACTUAL guy friend and MEAN IT. Because before all my ‘guy friends’ were more like acquaintance. Maybe it was due to my extreme shyness and lack of confidence to speak to someone of the opposite gender before. But not anymore.
Enough about school! i wanna talk about my ‘ new life’.
You know how they say when you’re in (imnotgoingtosaythenameoftheschooliminforanonreasons), you’ll meet people of bad influences? WELL, THEY CANNOT BE MORE WRONG. They are so goody that I SEEM LIKE THE BAD INFLUENCE. And we all know that isn’t true. Okay, well, maybe its slightly true because i changed a little. Okay ALOT. At least according to my high school friends and my brother.
I’ve became friends with people i least expect too and made new friends that ‘old’ me would have never dreamt to talk to. Okay i’m exaggerating here, i wouldn’t talk to them but i would get close to them geddit? Because we were from different worlds, but now it seems we are living in the same planet. I still have relatively ‘normal’ friends, its not like i did a 360 and change my whole outlook. Heck, i didn’t even realised I’ve changed till others mentioned it.
So what is this ‘change’ i seem to be going on and on about?
Well, i’m more ‘outgoing’ now, to put it nicely.
I party quite abit, (once a week the past month, BUT NOT ANYMORE since school started i minimised it.) And I’ve kissed. A guy. Okay, more than 1 guy. many guys:/. Don’t judge. Hey some of them I’ve dated so that’s alright.
Its crazy, it all started out because i wanted experience and it just took off from there. One guy after another (HEY its not like i kiss ever guy that hit on me, i’m learning to pick and choose now.), one party after another. And the best part is you would think you’ll get nervous or be awkward when you’re alone with some guy, but it really isn’t. I would just do something that i feel like and it’ll feel right and the guys seem to like it. AHA.
Maybe it’s the alcohol. But I did stuff like that sober too so hmmm.
I guess you just don’t have to think so much about what to do next, how to move you’re arm etc, but rather do what makes you feel comfortable. LIKE LITERALLY GET COMFORTABLE. And i’m not implying sex. -.-
Okay that seemed like a very slutty thing to write, and it is. But i really want to remember how i feel right now at this moment before i ‘change’ again.
Part of me don’t really know what the heck i’m doing. Yet another part of me still want to continue with this ‘experience’.
I mean I’m still young, I just want to have fun now- at least for the next 3 years- before i graduate and have to work. THEN i want to settle and take things slowly.
its clear to me now that my mindset has changed.
For better or worse i haven’t yet decided.
still saving my kisses,
March 15, 2013 § Leave a comment
I have a fear of going to bed.
For the past couple of nights and counting, my night never ends. I am just unable to sleep anymore.
Well, yes this has happened before but usually Joe Brooks croning softly into my ear would be enough to send me into a deep slumber.
But recently even that have difficulty putting me to sleep.
It kind of makes me wonder HOW then did I usually fall to sleep.
But that is besides the point.
I can’t sleep and can’t do a damn thing about it.
Maybe it’s because I don’t have a fan or use an aircon. ( might i add its especially warm now)
Or because I stress/think too much. ( ironic since I’m not doing anything and therefore have nothing to stress about)
I have tried many many ways to make myself sleep; all of which had the ability to rock me to sleep prior to my encounterment with insomnia.
For instance- waking up earlier, tiring myself out throughout the day, let the likes of joe brooks sing me to sleep and closing my eyes and think :’blankblankblankblank’.
And none of them work anymore!
So much so I feel like crying because I realise I’m an insomniac and I can’t sleep. CAN’T SLEEP.
Did you know being sleep deprived can cause death? I know right! Me neither!
And I don’t want to die! I’m too young and have yet to experience anything! Heck I haven’t even had my first kiss!
Yeah total loser blah blah blah..this isn’t a post of me being a loser.
Like one night, I came home totally shagged; too tired to change to my pjs, too tired to wash my face. And when I finally fell into the comfort of my bed, I couldn’t sleep!
Thought after thought constantly popped into my head, leaving me sleepless. And I lay there for 3 WHOLE HOURS. Not to mention I had to wake early to meet my friend. So with 5 hours of sleep I managed to get I went to meet my friend the next day. And guess what? I felt like dying the entire time! My head hurt in a way it hadn’t for a long time and I just hate that feeling.
And I get that feeling all because of dang insomnia. Gosh I hate you.
Even now as I’m typing this I can’t sleep it’s past 12 and I’m trying to make it a point to go to sleep by 10.30 because I’m trying to beat this insomnia thing but it looks like I’m losing here.
I really have no other remedy for this thing, and it sucks. It suck so bad. I just want to sleep and not dread it. Is that such a hard thing to ask?
P.s Godd I hate this new auto saving.