Once a cheater, Always a cheater

June 17, 2015 § Leave a comment

In my very first post (which you can click here… or just scroll down, there isn’t much post to scroll through), I mentioned how I thought my mother was cheating on my dad.

How angry and hurt I felt.

How ashamed I became of her.

How I tried to discount her actions as paranoia on my end.

How I resented her for being a cheat.

I scowled whenever she talks to me, and ignore when she requested help from me.

I didn’t want to be associated with such a person.

I blamed her for the dysfunctional  family.(Okay, maybe thats going a step too far, it’s not like anyone else knew)

Even when it wasn’t her fault.

And some years down from that, i mentioned( or did I?) how I was a cheatee. Or at least the ‘side girl’ of a cheater.

I started catching feelings for this boy, who ended up breaking my heart into two.

I hated him for making me feel like I was nothing.

I felt dirty and disgusted with myself.

And once again, I detest cheaters.

Why do they get to get away scotch free?

Years ago, I pitied my dad for being so ignorant to the fact my mother was cheating on him. I always saw the love in his eyes when he looked at my mother, but not through hers.

But 5 years flew by, and i’m starting to relate to why my mother did what she did.

As i slowly begin to understood the things around me, I saw my dad was a bully and a brute.

He threw his temper when he felt his Kingly male statues was threatened.

As I begin to build a mind of my own, I saw he knew he was losing control over me. He became unreasonable, and troublesome to deal with.

And for a moment, I empathized with my mother. Soft and caring, this hard man tore her from her path.

She knew she married the wrong man.

Yet she stayed. Because that’s what a good catholic woman do, don’t they?

And in that light, I understood why she cheated.

I still detest the act itself, but I finally see why she was driven to find love elsewhere.

In a way, I understood why He was driven to find love in me.

And why, when she finally could offer him more back, He left me high and dry.

I don’t blame him. I get it. Really.

We’re all just looking for something to fill us up.

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