June 17, 2015 § Leave a comment
I still see you face on people in the streets.
2 years since I met you.
1 since I’ve gotten over you.
And yet you still manage to infect my mind.
Oh, I remembered how you held my hand, cold and clammy-
But somehow it made you real.
I remembered how you kissed me for the first time-
I didn’t realise we were kissing till we did.
I remembered caressing your milk white skin-
As you cuddled me to an endless sleep.
I remembered how you pulled me close to you-
Like I was yours, but you weren’t mine to keep
I remembered how you thought I was ‘hot’-
Then again, that was all you ever thought of me.
And how you said I was nice-
But you could never get her off your mind.
I remembered how you let me go-
I pushed and pulled, but you let me go.
I remembered how we stopped seeing each other-
It didn’t hurt that we weren’t together
But it did when you didn’t give a damn.
I remembered when you said ‘at least it was fun”.
As though a cheap consolation was all I’ve ever been.
I remembered how I cried on drunkard nights over you-
Not how we were over but that you chose her.
I remembered how second rated you made me feel-
I was a diamond to everyone, but to you- a mere pebble you’d skid across the sea.
I remembered when she finally left-
Thinking there was a place for me now.
But when I watched you cry, and get incredibly high-
I knew the will never be a place for me
There never was.
Then you text me out of the blue
I was hesitant- but
You reminded me why I fell for you.
Two years ago this was all I ever wanted
Two years ago You were all I ever dreamt of
How I longed to see you
Longed to touch you.
And now you’re back-
But way leads on to way
and what had been will never be again.
I promised myself I wouldn’t write about you. I mean I talked about you enough. Even cried for god sake. But now that I realise you mean nothing to me, I feel I can finally say it all without the sappy bias.
You were in my life for a reason. I experienced joy and lost through you. And in a way, you ended the boring shy child, making way for a new me. And now a new me has yet arrived and I will continue to grow.
You were the beginning of my shitty life. You showed me what it was like to lose everything. In a way, you prepared me for more shit filled events in my life, which would probably break me. And it did. And I came out of it all. It’s a new start. It’s been a new start, and no, I’m not the same fun loving naive girl you once knew, though my innocence shed; I gained a deeper understanding of everything. I learnt to use my head and be strong- something a naive little girl wouldn’t know about. It was a trade, one I’m truly happy happened.
June 17, 2015 § Leave a comment
In my very first post (which you can click here… or just scroll down, there isn’t much post to scroll through), I mentioned how I thought my mother was cheating on my dad.
How angry and hurt I felt.
How ashamed I became of her.
How I tried to discount her actions as paranoia on my end.
How I resented her for being a cheat.
I scowled whenever she talks to me, and ignore when she requested help from me.
I didn’t want to be associated with such a person.
I blamed her for the dysfunctional family.(Okay, maybe thats going a step too far, it’s not like anyone else knew)
Even when it wasn’t her fault.
And some years down from that, i mentioned( or did I?) how I was a cheatee. Or at least the ‘side girl’ of a cheater.
I started catching feelings for this boy, who ended up breaking my heart into two.
I hated him for making me feel like I was nothing.
I felt dirty and disgusted with myself.
And once again, I detest cheaters.
Why do they get to get away scotch free?
Years ago, I pitied my dad for being so ignorant to the fact my mother was cheating on him. I always saw the love in his eyes when he looked at my mother, but not through hers.
But 5 years flew by, and i’m starting to relate to why my mother did what she did.
As i slowly begin to understood the things around me, I saw my dad was a bully and a brute.
He threw his temper when he felt his Kingly male statues was threatened.
As I begin to build a mind of my own, I saw he knew he was losing control over me. He became unreasonable, and troublesome to deal with.
And for a moment, I empathized with my mother. Soft and caring, this hard man tore her from her path.
She knew she married the wrong man.
Yet she stayed. Because that’s what a good catholic woman do, don’t they?
And in that light, I understood why she cheated.
I still detest the act itself, but I finally see why she was driven to find love elsewhere.
In a way, I understood why He was driven to find love in me.
And why, when she finally could offer him more back, He left me high and dry.
I don’t blame him. I get it. Really.
We’re all just looking for something to fill us up.