Life after You

June 17, 2015 § Leave a comment

I still see you face on people in the streets.

2 years since I met you.

1 since I’ve gotten over you.

And yet,

And yet you still manage to infect my mind.

Oh, I remembered how you held my hand, cold and clammy-

But somehow it made you real.

I remembered how you kissed me for the first time-

I didn’t realise we were kissing till we did.

I remembered caressing your milk white skin-

As you cuddled me to an endless sleep.

I remembered how you pulled me close to you-

Like I was yours, but you weren’t mine to keep

I remembered how you thought I was ‘hot’-

Then again, that was all you ever thought of me.

And how you said I was nice-

But you could never get her off your mind.

I remembered how you let me go-

I pushed and pulled, but you let me go.

I remembered how we stopped seeing each other-

It didn’t hurt that we weren’t together

But it did when you didn’t give a damn.

I remembered when you said ‘at least it was fun”.

At least”-

As though a cheap consolation was all I’ve ever been.

I remembered how I cried on drunkard nights over you-

Not how we were over but that you chose her.

I remembered how second rated you made me feel-

I was a diamond to everyone, but to you- a mere pebble you’d skid across the sea.

I remembered when she finally left-

Thinking there was a place for me now.

But when I watched you cry, and get incredibly high-

I knew the will never be a place for me

There never was.

(con’t)

Then you text me out of the blue

I was hesitant- but

You reminded me why I fell for you.

Two years ago this was all I ever wanted

Two years ago You were all I ever dreamt of

How I longed to see you

Longed to touch you.

And now you’re back-

But way leads on to way

and what had been will never be again.

I promised myself I wouldn’t write about you. I mean I talked about you enough. Even cried for god sake. But now that I realise you mean nothing to me, I feel I can finally say it all without the sappy bias.

You were in my life for a reason. I experienced joy and lost through you. And in a way, you ended the boring shy child, making way for a new me. And now a new me has yet arrived and I will continue to grow.

You were the beginning of my shitty life. You showed me what it was like to lose everything. In a way, you prepared me for more shit filled events in my life, which would probably break me. And it did. And I came out of it all. It’s a new start. It’s been a new start, and no, I’m not the same fun loving naive girl you once knew, though my innocence shed; I gained a deeper understanding of everything. I learnt to use my head and be strong- something a naive little girl wouldn’t know about. It was a trade, one I’m truly happy happened.

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Once a cheater, Always a cheater

June 17, 2015 § Leave a comment

In my very first post (which you can click here… or just scroll down, there isn’t much post to scroll through), I mentioned how I thought my mother was cheating on my dad.

How angry and hurt I felt.

How ashamed I became of her.

How I tried to discount her actions as paranoia on my end.

How I resented her for being a cheat.

I scowled whenever she talks to me, and ignore when she requested help from me.

I didn’t want to be associated with such a person.

I blamed her for the dysfunctional  family.(Okay, maybe thats going a step too far, it’s not like anyone else knew)

Even when it wasn’t her fault.

And some years down from that, i mentioned( or did I?) how I was a cheatee. Or at least the ‘side girl’ of a cheater.

I started catching feelings for this boy, who ended up breaking my heart into two.

I hated him for making me feel like I was nothing.

I felt dirty and disgusted with myself.

And once again, I detest cheaters.

Why do they get to get away scotch free?

Years ago, I pitied my dad for being so ignorant to the fact my mother was cheating on him. I always saw the love in his eyes when he looked at my mother, but not through hers.

But 5 years flew by, and i’m starting to relate to why my mother did what she did.

As i slowly begin to understood the things around me, I saw my dad was a bully and a brute.

He threw his temper when he felt his Kingly male statues was threatened.

As I begin to build a mind of my own, I saw he knew he was losing control over me. He became unreasonable, and troublesome to deal with.

And for a moment, I empathized with my mother. Soft and caring, this hard man tore her from her path.

She knew she married the wrong man.

Yet she stayed. Because that’s what a good catholic woman do, don’t they?

And in that light, I understood why she cheated.

I still detest the act itself, but I finally see why she was driven to find love elsewhere.

In a way, I understood why He was driven to find love in me.

And why, when she finally could offer him more back, He left me high and dry.

I don’t blame him. I get it. Really.

We’re all just looking for something to fill us up.

Where Am I?

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