My pilgrimage years

March 17, 2015 § Leave a comment

I stood up panting, amazed that I manage to swim across to a secluded manmade island, about 500m away from the shoreline.
The sun was setting, twisting in the sky’s shades of purple and red. I sat on the rocky structure of the breakwater as white shots of bubbles surfaced with every wave that crashed against the artificial rocks. SPLASH. SPLASH. The splosh splash of the waves soothed my tired aching body. Inhaling the salted air, I slouched into a self-reflective state. In the corner, I glimpsed a dragonfly dancing towards the branches, beaconing his fellow troupe behind to follow him through the proportionally planted forest. I smiled, thinking how oblivious it was to my presence, as though nothing had changed.

Below, the waves splashed against the dark rocks- its repetition slowed my ragged breathe. I felt its draw, calling me to jump in, teasing me to join the serendipity it entrust. Imagine the chilly waters soothing my flushed body, moulding me, caressing me. My thighs lifted from the rough surface, my bounce sprung back to life. My heart raced as adrenaline pumped through my veins. In that moment, nothing but a sense of thrill filled me.
This is the kind of moments I should live in! I thought to myself.
My feet balled up- ready to pounce at my every command.
But I hesitated.
In that moment of contemplation, I realized how close to death I was. I stared at the cold water relentlessly smashing against the hard granite.
I reached for the nearest branch, tossing it into the waters. Almost instantly, the merciless waters swallowed up the thin fragile branch. Holding my breath, I hoped for signs of brown oak to surface. But the sea calmly returned to it repetitive crashes, as though nothing happened.
I closed my eyes as I fell back onto my bum. I was this close to plunging to my death, and what scared me the most was how unafraid of death I was.
Within those short moments, no precious memories flashed across my eyes. No happiness, no sadness. Just emptiness dwelled inside me.
Was this what it’s like to contemplate suicide? No pain, no anger, just the feeling of loneliness. There was no need for anyone to isolate me, I did it to myself.
No one would care if I gave up now.

I had friends, plenty, but no one can fill the gaping hole within me.
I hadn’t accomplished much, I wouldn’t even be the talk of the town.

I had nothing. I came into this world as nothing and I am willing to return to being nothing.

Once again, I edged closer to the sea, understanding the weight of my decision.
Out of nowhere, a dragonfly flew towards me, hovering in front of my face; interrupting the dark thoughts clouding my vision. Its light bouncy action drew my attention away from the mesmerizing ocean. Its wings hummed through the air. Something about the way it swayed back and forth, wiggling its lanky body, made it seem blissful. It had nothing, but it was happy. It moved as though nothing weighted it down. As if it understood I would be okay, it swayed its way back to the others.
Finally, it was dusk and the sky was envelope by deep hues of indigo and magenta. A ship blared in the distance, breaking my concentration. I stood up and took in the tranquil atmosphere for the last time.
As much as I would like to end a meaningless life here and now, I couldn’t. I wasn’t too scared of the unknown it held. I just knew I wasn’t meant to end my story here.
I turned around and made my way through the man-made surroundings and back to the mainland.

Guiding Principles to being a proper adult

March 11, 2015 § Leave a comment

2014 I wished to be in control of my life. To be a proper adult.

I refused to date, get recklessly drunk and the idleness of lazing around seemed meaningless to me.

But nothing ever goes as planned, now do they?

Though I stuck to the ‘guiding principles’ I laid out for myself during 2014, it was the shittiest year I ever experienced in my mere 20 years. The more I tried to stay in control, the more heaven decides to shit on me.

Every time I tried to get get back on my feet, something else comes by and knocks me down. Be it shitty friends, failed classes, self-esteem issues- my whole world was collapsing. It was like fucking Murphy Law.

But, in a way, I did become an adult. I lost the sense of innocence and naivety every child shared.

And most of all, even though times got rough, I stuck to my lame principles, never giving in to temptation.

So I AM thankful for 2014 though, I realised that without isolating myself and learning how to be independent, I never would have washed my misshaped past behind me. Memories are just memories to me now. No emotions attached.

The most valuable lesson learnt through 2014- Life goes on, so let it go.

xoxo,

AG

p.s yes that was Robert frost.

p.p.s and frozen.

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