inbetweener.

November 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

Since I had “changed” I realize that I don’t really fit anywhere anymore.
I was out with my different group of friends, pre-change and post-change, when I realize how difficult it was to clique with both groups.
On one hand, I feel like i had changed too much that i couldn’t fit in with my older friends from pre-change me.
While on the other hand, since the change, I had mellowed down and now i no longer feel tight with the post change friends.
The change i go on and on about sound like I fucking turned into a vampire.

I finally understand when (BOARDWALK EMPIRE S4 SPOILER ALERT) Nucky in season 4 of boardwalk empire couldn’t get his business going because he didn’t gain the respect from other gangsters as he wasn’t full on gangster enough, and he couldn’t do business with reputable politicians because he had dirtied himself with illegal activities.
lol never in my life would I had thought the drama’s of boardwalk would find relevance in my life.
In a way, he became stuck.
Just like how I had become an inbetweener.
I don’t feel as though I belong anywhere anymore. I’m never fully with either cliques, I just drift by with them never fully myself.
But the funniest thing is, it doesn’t really bother me. Maybe after meltdown after meltdown, I’ve hardened and don’t give two fucks about anything.
Or maybe, just maybe, I have that hope that one day some other group will make me feel like I would never have to adapt to their personalities because we fit so perf.
Xoxo
AG

5feb 2015- sort of do with my poly clique I guess

6 Nov 2015- technically no, still feel the same as i did a year ago, just accepted it and stopped looking for support in others.

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I was born the Wrong gender

November 1, 2014 § Leave a comment

My father reminds me daily that I was born the wrong gender.
Oh nonono, he doesn’t even respect me enough to tell me this to my face. Instead he shows it to me day by day as he dotes on my brother, praises him and even chugs down a beer with him.
But me?
I can never do anything right; I dress to showy, I can have too much to drink, I have no reason to watch football, I’m too arrogant and don’t deserve a ride to school.
At least according to him.
It’s so bullshit. I’m never one for feminism because its just the way I was raised. My parents always gave my brother more. Presents, allowance and even freedom, all because he has a dick between his legs.
I would understand if its was going out late and all that sort, but it’s not. And it’s becoming unbearable.
Most recently, my father promised me the night before to fetch me to school. And on that day itself, (he claimed I pissed him off in the morning) he said he wouldn’t fetch me at 8.30 when school starts at 9am and to take public transport to school would take one and a half hour to reach. It was so childish.
This was how the conversation went:
8.10 “are we going off now?? I need to be in school by 9.”
“I’m going to bath first, I’ll only leave by 8.30”
“What!?! You know I’ll be late”
“So? Late than late”
“Than I might as well not go school”
“Then don’t go school what’s that got to do with me”
“You promised! The least if you didn’t want to fetch me you could have told me earlier than I would take public transport myself”
“Well to bad, I’m leaving at 8.30”
To this point I just left and took a cab and today at dinner when I wanted to claim my cab fare back all he said was I was impatient and I should pay for his patrol for wanting him to fetch me.
Fucked up father I swear.
And after telling me off he proceeded to have a chummy gold ol’ time with my brother chugging down their beer.
I just hated them so much at that moment.
How can he do that.
Am I not his child too?
When I had a problem he always told me I was big enough to do it and even forced me to claim some stupid insurance claim for my damaged luggage on my recent China trip.
But when my brother hit another car (gosh there was barely a scratch on the other car) my dad was all over it.
If I too had a dick between my legs, would he treat me different?
Would he treat me better?
And maybe this is not the gender inequality they talk about as it doesn’t involve rape or sexual harassment.
But this is the one I’m going through and this is the unfairness I feel.
I was born a girl and now I am bias against. After 19 years, after living in someone else’s shadow I’m going to cast my own shadow.
I probably will never get the respect I longed for, but maybe years later, some girl in my position will. #heforshe #yesallwomen
XOXO
AG

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