May 3, 2014 § Leave a comment
Just moments ago, i was scrolling through an album i entitled ‘ my pictures'(despite every bloody thing in my folder was literally MY picture) and chanced upon some really old photos of me, my room etc.
I’m redoing my room just fyi. (which is why i said my room yo.)
i was just sooo shocked.
Like i found pictures of me when i first learnt how to smile properly, pictures of the weirdo shit i use to- and maybe still- do and even a weekly track of photos of my skin condition back then.
It was like a major throwback for me; the chubby but slightly better looking elf mini me taking selfies beneath curtains and playing with make up.
It was so surreal. And best still, i could even remember what i was doing when i took those pictures.
I cant help but smile as nostalgia takes over. It was like a tiny time capsule to me, and as i thought of that- i was reminded how insecure and unsure of myself I was back then. How i thought i was never good enough. Nay Sayers words got into my head back then and it took a toll in me.
And i just want to go back in time and tell myself, “It will get better.”
I suffered so much internally for never understanding myself, for always looking down on myself, for thinking how i will never be good in anything. I spent so much time in the shadows, i never felt the warmth i should have felt. I mean goddamnit i was only 11!( or 12 or 13) I should have been carefree and happy, not spending my time thinking what others thought of me.
Holy i am getting emotional as i write this.
I guess all i can say is that things change you know. It happens too often and so quickly that you wont have time to register it. And i guess i want that mini me to be proud of me now. For putting myself out there, for living for her. And in a way THIS too is a time capsule too. it’ll be like a little throwback for future me to look at. And maybe then i’ll be better than where i am now and that tiny ray of hope takes away the uncertainty of the future.
Its like that Disney The Kid staring Bruce Willis where he teleport back to his past and had to teach his mini him to face up to his challenges and at the end of the show the future of both of them appear and shows them that in the end it’ll be alright after all. SO i guess i’m saying i’m like Bruce Willis, who lives the rest of for the kid.