March 21, 2014 § Leave a comment
I’d just realized the craziest thing. You know when you finally let go of all the negativity and ‘bad’ people for your soul, it actually opens a space for other positivity and ‘good’ people.
I’m not saying ‘bad’ people are bad necessarily, but more so like they aren’t doing you good and constantly bringing you down or making you feel down.
Honestly no one needs friends or family like that. I was recently reminded that friends and family should make you feel good about yourself. Here again, I’m not saying that they necessarily have done anything to you, but if you don’t feel comfortable or happy in their company than really what’s the point then?
I’ve been consuming myself in certain friendship trying to make them last, putting more effort in and etc; and at the end of the day I just end up feeling lonely and tired. So I just stopped.
Or at least stopped giving a damn and it felt good.
Not only did I gave less fucks I appreciated other things more. Like I would overlook small things my mom does for me but with the free time not feeling sorry for myself or trying to build a connection with people who wouldn’t care less, I noticed them.
Also, people whom I have sorta forgotten in my retreat of self induced pity, came back and showered me with affection and love. And I never would have cared for that if I was still giving faks.
So yeah, it’s my birthday and I’m happy. Not because of the people around me(despite some really nice and loving friends out there and the stuff they did for me), but because I choose to be.
Xoxo,(finally kisses because I ain’t getting younger)
March 9, 2014 § Leave a comment
I don’t know if its a pre- birthday syndrome or if its Pms, but recently I’ve been feeling like shit.
So many word can describe how I feel yet I’m having trouble saying them out to people that care; or at least I think care.
My birthday is just around the corner and even getting my group of friends to decide on a day to celebrate it is too hard. All I wanted was to watch Disney on ice. Yet, of the three main groups of ‘cliques’ I have; 1 can’t make the dates, another don’t want to go and rather I spent my birthday doing something less childish, and the last group that I thought I’ll end up going with, ended by canceling last minute saying they might not be free after all.
I’m not saying it applied to everyone in the groups but majority, and quite frankly I’m tired.
Tired of getting disappointed, tired to trying to get everyone to agree on one date tired of everything really.
I’m feeling like how I felt last year, when everything was overwhelming me( parents grades boys parties etc etc); like no one cares.
That if I weren’t to celebrate my birthday or even exist, I think they’ll mourn for a period of time and move on.
Because I guess I’m just not that important.
And it isn’t even as though I’m forcing them to go! I’m just like if you can alright if not its fine too. But I guess the feeling of everyone slowly canceling out on you makes you lose the mood to even celebrate it.
So I’m NOT going for my Disney on ice. And even when I brought it up to one of my good friends, all she said was quit bitching about it. As though I’m not understanding and couldn’t see that other things like some stupid camp means more than my birthday.
Or maybe it is.
Or at least to them.
March 8, 2014 § Leave a comment
So the other day I was walking home with one of my really good friend and we were just talking about, yknow, life. (I mean what else was there to talk about when you’re strolling down a dim lit path with the cool night breeze brushing against your back.)
And we happened to have talked about if how we didn’t change or didn’t do certain things how we would never be here together at that very moment.
The topic kind of started with us meeting a distant friend and her talking about her experience with a certain chemical and how it changed her perception of everything around her.( but basically she became more hippy-like the 70s hippy and not the current wannabes hipsters.)
And that made me wonder how if I hadn’t done some things, which Still embarrasses me,I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t be writing this here because I wouldn’t have anything to write if that was the case!
Okay lameness aside, what I mean is that no matter how stupid I was or how careless I was or -mostly- how much I’ve changed, I would never regret any of those decisions I made. Heck, if I had to do over I would probably do the same thing but with more confidence this time. Because like a certain favorite poem of mine by ,oh I don’t know, a certain Robert Frost;
“Two roads diverge in a yellow wood and I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference.”
Do google the entire poem for a more logical understanding.:)