Saving my Humility

December 31, 2012 § Leave a comment

Wait wait, before I start rambling on and on, I guess I have to explain from the beginning.

So it started with this show I was watching – running man to be exact- , AND I know this seems like it’s unrelevant but IT IS. Just wait. There was this episode where the lead host was made to take a lie detector test. Amongst the few questions he was asked, two answers he gave spark a realisation in me. He was asked if he thinks the show would still have alot of viewers if the other cast members weren’t there( meaning he himself would carry the show) and if he thought he was the best host in Korea.(yep the show is hosted in Korea) Both of which he replied no, and being on a lie detector, it said he wasn’t lying.

I want to be like him.( have to say this here now even if it seems awkward)

Before i go on i have to say this too.( just to make the story a little clearer) Then there’s this other cast. He was apparently older than the lead host but his status was lower than the host. And he had a certain resentment to it. He isn’t always bitter or anything but you can tell he wishes to be higher than the host etc. it sounds weird now that i re-read this…maybe I’m not explaining this right..like he’ll be like ” …I’m your senior etc etc.”
Anywho, a stray cray thought flashed by! The host was so humble making him deserve the lead role more! Whilst the other one wasn’t. He was proud and feels he’s oldest so should be respected.( I didn’t know how to explain it situation wise so you just gotta trust me on this one) thus making HIM DESERVE his own second rated role. And here comes the cray thought- it seemed to me that the ones who are humble and thoughtful would always be on top of the ones who weren’t. Simply put: The better man triumphs over the others. No matter what. The MORE HUMBLE man will be the best in whatever he tries while the proud one won’t. Which ultimately makes them bitter and resentful.

So this is the part where I say this(again) I wanna be like the lead host.
And HE showed me how a little humility goes a long way.

He really did.
Now, when I made that observation I was looking on as a third party, never really putting myself in their position.
And they say you make better observation as a outsider looking in than you ever will as an insider.
BUT it all changed.
Recently, something caught my attention,pulling me back to this mere thought.
However, sad to say this but as I have delayed this entry since forever, I have forgotten what it was that led to this thought.
You have no idea how pissed I am at myself.
Carrying on.
I was suddenly put into a position where I realize I was NOT humble in the littlest sense. I have major pride issue. I used to think seniority was key; especially in school. I’d ignore the juniors because I felt I was too good to mingle with them. And that was what lead so many juniors hating on me.
So ANOTHER RANDOM THOUGHT. ( which is the linking point to it all)
Karma can be a bitch. Because I was a mean old bleh, karma came around and bitch slap me. HARD. Everything around me begin to crumble. My friendship with people. My studies( well, this one is cause I began to not study:/)
And more rubbish.( delaying this post has really taken a toll on my memory.)
So two and two fit together and I realized that I was a ungrateful proud little brat ( kinda like second host in running man), Who got what she had coming. Second rated role.
I never thought that I was the where I was because of that till I thought karma was coming back at me, and it dawn upon me that this is soooo like running man theory!( see, I don’t have to repeat it now) I want to be like lead host but I’m stuck at second host position!
I DON’T WANT THAT.
So I’m going to be more humble.

Not only to be top in what i do(my theory)but because i hate being the beetch i already am.
Which is especially fitting since its New Years, so this will be my resolution: save my humility.
I know I wasn’t always like that. Maybe something morally right in me will aid this journey I’m about to venture on. Or at least I hope.
Like the worn out phrase,” easier said then done.”
This might be one of those things I never get round to.
So I’m gonna make sure it happens. ( through a series of how to steps)
Step 1: stop thinking I’m godd.
Accept my defects not ignore them then think I’m perfect.
Step 2: be a Samaritan.
Help others despite it being wayy out of my own way. And don’t do it for the glory or prize or anything other than because you want to.
Step 3: knowing- remembering- where I’m from and never forgetting it.
Self explanatory.

I imagine it’ll be hard. And since I have this ‘steps’, false humility might take place. Where I do do all those mention but only cause I promised myself I’d do it not because I truly am humble.
But I have to give it a shot. So here goes;)

Oh before I go, a quote to sum it all up,” reach for the stars, but never forget the flowers at your feet.”

Xoxo,( only because its a new year. I do X’s and O’s)
Anonymity girl
P.s I’m not doing this to be ‘top’ of whichever path I choose. It was just something that initiated a thought that initiated another thought leading to my self discovery.
P.p.s you might be thinking, why the steps? All I can say is that I’d be absolutely clueless on HOW I go about fulfilling my resolution. So being the logical type of person i am, I figured the best way would be to go about it

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You have NO idea how bad I’m feeling now

December 27, 2012 § Leave a comment

Well I had a rather awesome yet crappy day.

Bittersweet some may say.

Shytexx its sounding like a poem…hmmm okay.

A typical day, yesterday

as I went to work to be paid.

When lo and behold, what was at my table?

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? no, It’s a present.

(Yes , yes bad pun i’m not dumb)

whilst I happily enjoy that day

due to the suprise first hidden at bay

i imagine it was my boss who gave me such alms

Or maybe the office as token for unloading their whelm

Then thought became cray thought

Was it from someone afar

watching me as I key in shtyexx data

could it be?

someone liked me?

excited at my discovery

was it the cute one who rarely talks to me or the one who won’t shut it

(the only two male species eligible for my spaculation)

Today i find out what really went down but first,

I entered the office to be showered in more goods

but this time a note was evident

And eyes widens as signed at the bottom, cute one it read

joyously celebrating my happiness I learnt later the other gifts were from the office

but that cray thought already did me in

Like my usual normal self

I made me believe the possibility of cute one + me

Oh bother, what a disaster now it seems

when cute one finally appeared at the scene

I was too awkward too shy to say,”thanks for the gift.”

instead I did what I did best

tensing as he walked pass,avoiding his stares

Damnit, Being me is so hard to bear

but at the end I left a note at his desk

just like he did mine i might add

saying,”thanks for the sweets” in my ugly handwritting.

Sigh, but that wasn’t what made me feel like crying

In the comfort of my home,

all alone

I took out my gifts,laying them bare

and at the corner of my eye I saw the note.

in his neat tiny writting, he thanked me and wished me

all in end he was gracious and friendly

and here I was with hindsight 20/20

I avoided him and ignored him

and he gave me sweets

organic sweets

and he didn’t even know

What that meant to me

I felt sooooo awful and mean and blah

disappointed in myself for being a horrid wench

the end

To think i promised myself not to have one of those temp crushes on anyone at my workplaces seeing how the others were disasters.

i guess it isn’t a proper poem seeing how i rhymed everthing with ‘day’.

I REALLY do feel bad.

It was ORGANIC sweets! ORGANIC.

sigh, the least I could have done was be friendly.. He’s probably as confuse as I am feeling mad at myself.

I don’t know what to do tomorrow when I see him again….
No wait, I know.
Do what I do best. Smile.:)

(cause i’m too sad to sign off)

p.s yeah got carried away.

p.p.. can’t believe this post -done in 15 minutes – is geting posted before my oher two drafts.

1nov2014- I REALLY was a geek. Gosh I can’t believe I even had crushes on people. I don’t even eye candied people these days

So this is Christmas.

December 23, 2012 § Leave a comment

I figured since its Christmas I should probably post a .. post.
Despite being in the middle of two draft post,( YES can you believe that?! I can’t seem to finish up my post! Every time I want to post it some random rubbish thought pops into my head and making me think my post wasn’t good enough.urgh ) I thought,”hey let’s make my life difficult and write another post!”
I’m such a masochist.( not in a sexual way you pervs)

So Christmas has come again(yay). Time to sit by the fireplace and enjoy a cup of hot coacoa in the company of your love ones.
NOT.
For me Christmas is trying to sit through an entire Christmas dinner without getting burnt alive.
Well, Christmas Eve actually. On Christmas Day itself I sit on the couch watching Christmas movies on hallmark wishing it’ll snow here, ( it’s bloody summer all year round. Grrrr) or go to a party woot!
Which got me thinking( it somehow did) isn’t Christmas actually about Jesus?
It’s like the birth of Christ is long forgotten beneath mountains of presents.
I mean when I was younger I never knew Christmas was about Jesus,I just knew it was a day I get more free stuff. And this is coming from a catholic. ( yes, I’m a believer.)
A solemn affair had been chocolate coated ( because I’m abstaining from sugar) with gifts, snow and hallmark movies and BAM. We have Christmas.
I don’t get why Jesus bday have to be so dressed up for people to celebrate it. Is it such a dread that we have to tell children made believe stories to get them interested in Christmas? Bribe them with presents so that they’d enjoy this already joyous occasion? Must there really be a cause to celebrate Jesus bday?
In that case, than all hope in humanity is lost. Literally. Golly be damned if we can’t simply celebrate a special someone on their special day without the North Pole or ELFS or hot Christmas tea! ( though it taste amazing. They weren’t lying when they said its like Christmas in your mouth.)

And I haven’t even started on Santa.
So if we all just put down the gifts we are holding and take a moment to think for little baby Jesus that was born today. And celebrate that.

Being bad

December 16, 2012 § Leave a comment

I’m a bad person.
There I said it.
I was minding my own business doing filing work at my temp job and it dawned upon me what a bad person I was. Well, I first stated thinking how good I am at this shytexx,y’know, putting things together,IN ORDER. Yeah. Bad ;;ass;; pun. 😑
Then somehow I started thinking about WHEN I realized how good I was at this shytexx,which was when I was 10. (did the sentence make sense?!) It was during a skipping competition my younger years school used to hold and that one faithful year, I was chosen to be the skipper counter. And the only thing I remembered from it – besides getting hit by the razor sharp ropes – was that I was a badasss counter. Not even kidding. Before the event, the teachers did a test/warm up where she;ll skip and we counters count. So we did and at the end of her skips she'll ask how much we counted, and I ALWAYS counted right. Meaning : while everyone else got a figure that was in the neighbourhood ie off by -1+1, I always got it right on the dot. Like I said, badass counter aye 😉
But this was like my own blissful secret because whenever she asked who got it on the dot, the fat awkward young me would slink into the corner and blush. Like seriously. Urgh sometimes I wondered how I manage conversations with others when I was younger.
Okay this part here ^, has something to do with the overall picture, just bare with me a little more.
Anyways that stray thought of how awkward and introvert I was back then made me further ponder on that skipping event. Because the skippers had to go on stage to skip, it meant that shy little( okay not so little) me had to too. I was a nervous wreck and as stage-frightism slowly creep up my legs as people started streaming into the hall. Counters and skippers alike all had someone to talk to, on stage and downstage ( is that what you call it? Y'know the area below the stage). All except me. I was just standing around,like a randomly placed oak tree in the middle of a road.
It was hard to be younger me sometimes. Sigh
Anyways, I don't remember what I was doing exactly but I do remember how I felt; silly, scared and most of all lonely. Then a friend of mine (from downstage) wave/ smiled ( I don't remember which she did now, I mean come on it was 7 years ago) and mouthed to me " what you doing there." And suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. My mood instantly picked up and I , well talked to her.(I think)

I know I know, I shouldn't be writing this if I can even remember the details. But the details to that isn't important, the important ones are below.
" So what's this gotta do with anything?" You must be wondering… If there is a you out there who reads this blog. I guess if you must know, I was incredibly close to her but as of now, we no longer are friends.
Why? I thought you'd never ask.
I used to think we'd fallen out because she was getting increasingly bitchy and there were those bullying incidences that after a while, I couldn't ignore. Now would be an appropriate time to say I'm 100% AGAINST bullying. And bullying was what she did, so that increased the gap between us. Other non drama mama stuff happened too ( post already getting too lengthy and boring so i wont write those here!) anyways tension build on and bleeehhh we weren't friends.

I honestly didn't like to talk about her at all before or even mention her because sometimes, I feel a little hurt. And a little angry. I thought I'd forgiven her then but the feelings always find a way to creep back in. Now though, it's different.
So I sat at my desk flipping through the files, when all these cray thoughts popped into my head.
RANDOM : doing mentally nothing yet keeping physically active( if you call filing keeping active) makes you overthink ALOT. Heh.
From that single memory of her making me feel like I was on cloud nine in that moment, making me feel accepted and being my friend. Other childhood memories of us flashed by me and i saw how she STUCK by my side (unlike me now that i see it. i bolted at the first sight of her troubles)despite so many times she could have made fun of me like the others did or belittle me, but instead she treated me like a friend despite the fact that she could have done much better than me. She was loyal. she was a good friend. No, she was a great friend.

And I was the horrid one. I always thought I was like the heroine in the movies. The protagonist. Which meant she was the antagonist, out there to ruin poor little ( but not really) me. When in truth as I discovered while sitting on my ass all day, I was the one ruining her. I cut her off . I ignored her. I stopped saying hi. I didn't stick to being me, I changed. For better or worse I can't say, because for every good there's a bad side too.
But at least for her, she was always a bitch. Which meant My changed literally ended our friendship. I always blamed her for ending our friendship. Her nasty actions etc, when really it was all me. I grew up and suddenly didn't like what she was doing. Because her actions didn't just pop out of nowhere, it was always there and instead of asking her to stop doing what she did, I just stop being her friend and blame her for ending out friendship.
The funny thing is, all this time we weren't friends, I kept finding a reason to forgive her when really it wasn't her that needed the forgiving. It was me.
I thought she was the bad one, so since I'm the good one it was up to me to forgive her. ( Just to simply put it. i don't speak like that^)But what was there to forgive? For making me feel welcome and warm inside when no one else did? For letting me tag along when she go out with her mom and sis? For being my friend?
I feel guilty for blaming her all this while now.. She's not my friend anymore but at least now I can say I don't hate her.

P.s. I have nothing against fat people, only people who are fat.
P.p.s. I liked myself then, not as much as now granted , but I still had happy moments. I'm just highlighting the bad ones so the good ones seem better.
P.p.p.s. I know some parts seems a little shallow etc but need I remind you that this was the feelings of an insecure 10 year old who watch one too many chick flick then? Hey I'm just the outlet for the inner child to be released.
Bleh,
A
This was only of my draft! Yay halfway done!

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