October 12, 2012 § 1 Comment
I should be studying right now… instead I opt the chicken way out and here I am. On my computer. Making a new blog. Yay am so screwed for my exams.
Was trapped in my tiny room with barely space to walk, yet type on this computer -I’m no oompa loompa- listening to immrteddy ranting, when all of the sudden I had the urge to go create a new blog. And tada! created.
Maybe i should explain why I needed to create a new blog. So It started about 20 minutes ago, my family and I were chowing down our dinner when we beginning talking bout some crap I can’t even remember( and its only been 20 minutes). So like a total retard I tried to sound like an intellect, and began unleashing my bullshit. My brother, like his usual annoying fuckself, interjected.
I REALLY REALLY can’t remember what subject we were on… Which just show what a petty small thing it was.
But I remembered what I said next, as if it was just yesterday.( or in my case, like it was just 20 minutes ago?) I told my brother,” Well, when mommy and daddy break up then you know.” IN FRONT OF MY PARENTS. I don’t know what came over me. No actually, I do. Truly.
Since I was 15 I had my suspicions that my mother was cheating on my dad. I know what everyone’s thinking, ‘who the hell suspects such a thing of her parents? what a nutcase” WELL, I never suspected it when my mom used to go out with that guy friend. I mean I had guy friends too, it was no biggy. BUT one fine day, my itchy little fingers couldn’t keep to themselves and reached out to grab my mothers phone from across the table. That was when I saw it. the mushy text of “i miss you” and “when am I going to see you”. And this guy obviously had a kid or something cos I clearly remembered in one it went,” son out till 7.30 blah blah blah”. I couldn’t read anymore than my 15 year old heart could take.
Before I continue, I DID NOT INTEND TO INVADE HER PRIVACY. she’s always letting me play with her phone since I was a kid, my family had no secrets – at least not till then- and she always pass me her phone ON HER OWN WILL to help her add contacts and shyte (my moms ancient. At least to me).
So that was when it got me thinking. Why, when that fuck calls,l he doesn’t have a name attached to his contact? I mean shes always asking me to help her add contacts and from the length of their conversation, it was obvious she didn’t just started contacting him. Also, when ever I pick up a call from him( cos sometimes my moms in the shower and stuff) he would immediately say wrong number and hang up. BUT I knew it was him, cos the number was unique (cant say how just alot of the same number) and was always on the top list of her recent calls. So why does he hang up when I pick up the phone then? (Plus, my mom is always saying if she was given a second chance she wouldn’t marry my father again. And when they were older my mom would say how they would get separate bathrooms and beds just like the neighbour couple in Bewitch.)
I got so scared. Was my mom really cheating on my dad? I didn’t want to believe it so I didn’t say anything. Well, except to my best friend. I told her my suspicion and everything, but she didn’t really advise me. Then again, what advise can a 15 year old girl give on a 40 year old problem? I contemplated telling my brother : who was older and back then I thought he was more mature. But I was afraid; what if he told our father? What if he confronted my mother?What if he did both and it cause our parents to break up. It was too many ‘what if”s’ for me to take, so I decided not to and came to the conclusion: Its their lives, and their secret. It was not up to me to break a family with the words I say.(MY family none the less) Like what if just cause I know it, my mother would think its okay to leave us? or they will split for good if my dad finds out and can’t live with her knowing the truth. So, I came up with the decision to hold it in. I mean it was a mere suspicion, nothing to worry except my horrid ESP and paranoia.
So I held it in for two years. Now I’m 17 and just FUCKED it all up. like I mention earlier, we were eating and I blurted that out. (refer to the top if you have real short term memory) My brother’s reaction was,”shes mad.” (im not) and my dad was like, “HUHHHHH?” but my mom. huh, this was what got me. She kept quiet. I just stared at her. Did she caught on my Freudian slip?
Or maybe she just felt she shouldn’t have said something to me since I was young ( the whole if i could do it again yadadyada). I hope its just the latter and that my suspicions were wrong. I couldn’t live with myself, if she suddenly thought :’since its all out I might as well exit this play’.
So I’m now going crazy as I locked myself in my room afraid she comes up to me and questions me etc etc, and I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. I couldn’t think straight or study when all THIS was on my mind after my littler slip. I had to get it all out. pronto. And yeah, I couldn’t confront anyone about this cos i’m the biggest pussy alive ever. So I took the cowardly way and created an anonymous blog to vent it all out. My previous blogs all had some remnant of me or someone I know knows the address to those blogs, and this is all just too private to share. Yet I don’t want it to be private. I wanna scream this all off the top of my lungs and get it out of my system! so that led to ………creating a new damn blog you retard.
So I did. And,boy do I feel better.
so yeah. now that all that shyte is out, I can go study and score well, get a well paying job and never deal with shyte like this again.
p.s immrteddy did NOT inspire me to write this.It was just a mere coincidence I was watching him when I decided to write this.
p.p.s to people who actually read this(blog) welcome i guess, Its gonna be totally vulgar from here onwards.