Paranoia at it’s best

March 27, 2017 § Leave a comment

What do you do when you’ve met the love of your life, and months down the road, he tells you he had a one night stand before he met you?

Don’t know how to feel about it? Well, me neither.

I can’t even justify why I feel so confused. Part of me felt cheated on; lied to. But part of me felt that he could have just kept it hidden. And he didn’t, which says something right?

But is the latter just me trying to downplay how I really feel? Because it’s not as though we’ve never brooch the topic of sex before. He knows my history (or the lack of) and I know his (or so I thought). Then, why the hell didn’t he say anything before??

The act itself is one thing, it clashes with my moral standing altogether. I mean I freaking waited for the right person. And this just shines a light on his fuckboy ways- one I’m not sure I can accept.

But still, this doesn’t make him less of an amazing person who treats me really well. I know it’s not fair to judge him based on this one act, and that if I really knew him, this wouldn’t change how I feel about him. But what if what I know of him, isn’t really him? I mean i didn’t think he was capable of one night stands before, but he proved me wrong.

I’m just..Why am I so affected?!?!?

 

 

*edit* So it’s been about a month since he told me. Throughout March, I’ve been affected, okay, then extremely affect and okay again. I’ve come to realise, that only because I’m really serious about our relationship, that it affected me so much. If we were just dating, I probably wouldn’t care much, because he wouldn’t have mattered you see. And this vicious cycle of me getting affected over and over again, isn’t helping make our relationship work.

So I came to a decision.

I though long and hard if he was really who I wanted to be with, and if I still saw a future with him in it- I have to move on. And I thought, though it wasn’t nice to know about that, it doesn’t make him a ‘bad’ person  for having a one night stand. Especially because he was amazing to me, even when I was shitty towards him. And I think qualities like this makes a person, much less a single act.

Am I over it? I guess so. Even if I’m not, I’ll try my best to get over it. Because I realised now (took me long enough) that, despite this episode, he’s still the same person. And that I shouldn’t give up on a relationship that’s been working perfectly. Basically, he’s still worth making an effort for.

 

p.s. That is, for our relationship at least (I can’t speak for others in a similar situation).

 

xoxo

AG

Lessons Never Learnt

April 14, 2016 § Leave a comment

Well I’m pissed….

Yesterday I met a pretty cute and decent human being, who turned out to be a typical douche. He was a promoter at a club my friends and I went to (yeah so he was from a club, what should I expect yeah?) , and he was friendly and normal throughout the beginning of the night. To prove how he was a decent human, when loose drunk girls threw themselves on him, he just brush them off, doing the minimum to entertain them as per his job.

SO when he came onto me, I didn’t think he was that bad. We ended up kissing, and he was decent enough not to grope me. And each time we were on the dance floor, he would stand next to me, with his arm around my waist.

I mean what does that look like to you? That he was at least somewhat interested right?

Well, it turns out that he was somewhat interested in other girls too that night, and the best part of it all was that he may have came onto me and kissed me, but he asked the other girl for her number. My pride was perpetually hurt from being the girl you use and toss.

And it wasn’t till later when I saw he left a hickey on upper neck.

I mean who leaves anyone a hickey these days??? What are we? 12??? Whats worse was when I texted him,” You left me a hickey?????” , which he replied,”Oh Yeah sorry about that”.

I mean come on, I have work, why brand me a slut? And I’m not some toy to throw a corner when you’re done playing with. You have those drunk loose girls, who were more than willing to fuck you ( I have to admit he was pretty good looking). I mean I’m not a desperate slut who threw herself onto him, why play with me?

Now that I think about it, I don’t know who I’m more pissed at, the guy for being a stereotypical male chauvinist, or at myself, for putting myself in such a compromising position (especially since I’m 21 and should have gotten my shit together by now). To add to the long list of regrets, I BROKE my promise to myself that I wouldn’t kiss another guy while I had my braces on (A promise I kept for 2 WHOLE FUCKING YEARS).

I may be vexed by him, but i’m plainly disappointed in myself. For everything above, but mostly for thinking this guy from a club would be different from any other time. That I offered the milk before he even considered to purchase the cow ( wow that analogy). You would think after going through this time and time again, I would have learnt my lesson. But I guess some lessons I’ll never learn.

God, I can’t wait to be famous and write this all in my best selling novel.

 

xoxo

AG

Life after You

June 17, 2015 § Leave a comment

I still see you face on people in the streets.

2 years since I met you.

1 since I’ve gotten over you.

And yet,

And yet you still manage to infect my mind.

Oh, I remembered how you held my hand, cold and clammy-

But somehow it made you real.

I remembered how you kissed me for the first time-

I didn’t realise we were kissing till we did.

I remembered caressing your milk white skin-

As you cuddled me to an endless sleep.

I remembered how you pulled me close to you-

Like I was yours, but you weren’t mine to keep

I remembered how you thought I was ‘hot’-

Then again, that was all you ever thought of me.

And how you said I was nice-

But you could never get her off your mind.

I remembered how you let me go-

I pushed and pulled, but you let me go.

I remembered how we stopped seeing each other-

It didn’t hurt that we weren’t together

But it did when you didn’t give a damn.

I remembered when you said ‘at least it was fun”.

At least”-

As though a cheap consolation was all I’ve ever been.

I remembered how I cried on drunkard nights over you-

Not how we were over but that you chose her.

I remembered how second rated you made me feel-

I was a diamond to everyone, but to you- a mere pebble you’d skid across the sea.

I remembered when she finally left-

Thinking there was a place for me now.

But when I watched you cry, and get incredibly high-

I knew the will never be a place for me

There never was.

(con’t)

Then you text me out of the blue

I was hesitant- but

You reminded me why I fell for you.

Two years ago this was all I ever wanted

Two years ago You were all I ever dreamt of

How I longed to see you

Longed to touch you.

And now you’re back-

But way leads on to way

and what had been will never be again.

I promised myself I wouldn’t write about you. I mean I talked about you enough. Even cried for god sake. But now that I realise you mean nothing to me, I feel I can finally say it all without the sappy bias.

You were in my life for a reason. I experienced joy and lost through you. And in a way, you ended the boring shy child, making way for a new me. And now a new me has yet arrived and I will continue to grow.

You were the beginning of my shitty life. You showed me what it was like to lose everything. In a way, you prepared me for more shit filled events in my life, which would probably break me. And it did. And I came out of it all. It’s a new start. It’s been a new start, and no, I’m not the same fun loving naive girl you once knew, though my innocence shed; I gained a deeper understanding of everything. I learnt to use my head and be strong- something a naive little girl wouldn’t know about. It was a trade, one I’m truly happy happened.

Once a cheater, Always a cheater

June 17, 2015 § Leave a comment

In my very first post (which you can click here… or just scroll down, there isn’t much post to scroll through), I mentioned how I thought my mother was cheating on my dad.

How angry and hurt I felt.

How ashamed I became of her.

How I tried to discount her actions as paranoia on my end.

How I resented her for being a cheat.

I scowled whenever she talks to me, and ignore when she requested help from me.

I didn’t want to be associated with such a person.

I blamed her for the dysfunctional  family.(Okay, maybe thats going a step too far, it’s not like anyone else knew)

Even when it wasn’t her fault.

And some years down from that, i mentioned( or did I?) how I was a cheatee. Or at least the ‘side girl’ of a cheater.

I started catching feelings for this boy, who ended up breaking my heart into two.

I hated him for making me feel like I was nothing.

I felt dirty and disgusted with myself.

And once again, I detest cheaters.

Why do they get to get away scotch free?

Years ago, I pitied my dad for being so ignorant to the fact my mother was cheating on him. I always saw the love in his eyes when he looked at my mother, but not through hers.

But 5 years flew by, and i’m starting to relate to why my mother did what she did.

As i slowly begin to understood the things around me, I saw my dad was a bully and a brute.

He threw his temper when he felt his Kingly male statues was threatened.

As I begin to build a mind of my own, I saw he knew he was losing control over me. He became unreasonable, and troublesome to deal with.

And for a moment, I empathized with my mother. Soft and caring, this hard man tore her from her path.

She knew she married the wrong man.

Yet she stayed. Because that’s what a good catholic woman do, don’t they?

And in that light, I understood why she cheated.

I still detest the act itself, but I finally see why she was driven to find love elsewhere.

In a way, I understood why He was driven to find love in me.

And why, when she finally could offer him more back, He left me high and dry.

I don’t blame him. I get it. Really.

We’re all just looking for something to fill us up.

My pilgrimage years

March 17, 2015 § Leave a comment

I stood up panting, amazed that I manage to swim across to a secluded manmade island, about 500m away from the shoreline.
The sun was setting, twisting in the sky’s shades of purple and red. I sat on the rocky structure of the breakwater as white shots of bubbles surfaced with every wave that crashed against the artificial rocks. SPLASH. SPLASH. The splosh splash of the waves soothed my tired aching body. Inhaling the salted air, I slouched into a self-reflective state. In the corner, I glimpsed a dragonfly dancing towards the branches, beaconing his fellow troupe behind to follow him through the proportionally planted forest. I smiled, thinking how oblivious it was to my presence, as though nothing had changed.

Below, the waves splashed against the dark rocks- its repetition slowed my ragged breathe. I felt its draw, calling me to jump in, teasing me to join the serendipity it entrust. Imagine the chilly waters soothing my flushed body, moulding me, caressing me. My thighs lifted from the rough surface, my bounce sprung back to life. My heart raced as adrenaline pumped through my veins. In that moment, nothing but a sense of thrill filled me.
This is the kind of moments I should live in! I thought to myself.
My feet balled up- ready to pounce at my every command.
But I hesitated.
In that moment of contemplation, I realized how close to death I was. I stared at the cold water relentlessly smashing against the hard granite.
I reached for the nearest branch, tossing it into the waters. Almost instantly, the merciless waters swallowed up the thin fragile branch. Holding my breath, I hoped for signs of brown oak to surface. But the sea calmly returned to it repetitive crashes, as though nothing happened.
I closed my eyes as I fell back onto my bum. I was this close to plunging to my death, and what scared me the most was how unafraid of death I was.
Within those short moments, no precious memories flashed across my eyes. No happiness, no sadness. Just emptiness dwelled inside me.
Was this what it’s like to contemplate suicide? No pain, no anger, just the feeling of loneliness. There was no need for anyone to isolate me, I did it to myself.
No one would care if I gave up now.

I had friends, plenty, but no one can fill the gaping hole within me.
I hadn’t accomplished much, I wouldn’t even be the talk of the town.

I had nothing. I came into this world as nothing and I am willing to return to being nothing.

Once again, I edged closer to the sea, understanding the weight of my decision.
Out of nowhere, a dragonfly flew towards me, hovering in front of my face; interrupting the dark thoughts clouding my vision. Its light bouncy action drew my attention away from the mesmerizing ocean. Its wings hummed through the air. Something about the way it swayed back and forth, wiggling its lanky body, made it seem blissful. It had nothing, but it was happy. It moved as though nothing weighted it down. As if it understood I would be okay, it swayed its way back to the others.
Finally, it was dusk and the sky was envelope by deep hues of indigo and magenta. A ship blared in the distance, breaking my concentration. I stood up and took in the tranquil atmosphere for the last time.
As much as I would like to end a meaningless life here and now, I couldn’t. I wasn’t too scared of the unknown it held. I just knew I wasn’t meant to end my story here.
I turned around and made my way through the man-made surroundings and back to the mainland.

Guiding Principles to being a proper adult

March 11, 2015 § Leave a comment

2014 I wished to be in control of my life. To be a proper adult.

I refused to date, get recklessly drunk and the idleness of lazing around seemed meaningless to me.

But nothing ever goes as planned, now do they?

Though I stuck to the ‘guiding principles’ I laid out for myself during 2014, it was the shittiest year I ever experienced in my mere 20 years. The more I tried to stay in control, the more heaven decides to shit on me.

Every time I tried to get get back on my feet, something else comes by and knocks me down. Be it shitty friends, failed classes, self-esteem issues- my whole world was collapsing. It was like fucking Murphy Law.

But, in a way, I did become an adult. I lost the sense of innocence and naivety every child shared.

And most of all, even though times got rough, I stuck to my lame principles, never giving in to temptation.

So I AM thankful for 2014 though, I realised that without isolating myself and learning how to be independent, I never would have washed my misshaped past behind me. Memories are just memories to me now. No emotions attached.

The most valuable lesson learnt through 2014- Life goes on, so let it go.

xoxo,

AG

p.s yes that was Robert frost.

p.p.s and frozen.

inbetweener.

November 16, 2014 § Leave a comment

Since I had “changed” I realize that I don’t really fit anywhere anymore.
I was out with my different group of friends, pre-change and post-change, when I realize how difficult it was to clique with both groups.
On one hand, I feel like i had changed too much that i couldn’t fit in with my older friends from pre-change me.
While on the other hand, since the change, I had mellowed down and now i no longer feel tight with the post change friends.
The change i go on and on about sound like I fucking turned into a vampire.

I finally understand when (BOARDWALK EMPIRE S4 SPOILER ALERT) Nucky in season 4 of boardwalk empire couldn’t get his business going because he didn’t gain the respect from other gangsters as he wasn’t full on gangster enough, and he couldn’t do business with reputable politicians because he had dirtied himself with illegal activities.
lol never in my life would I had thought the drama’s of boardwalk would find relevance in my life.
In a way, he became stuck.
Just like how I had become an inbetweener.
I don’t feel as though I belong anywhere anymore. I’m never fully with either cliques, I just drift by with them never fully myself.
But the funniest thing is, it doesn’t really bother me. Maybe after meltdown after meltdown, I’ve hardened and don’t give two fucks about anything.
Or maybe, just maybe, I have that hope that one day some other group will make me feel like I would never have to adapt to their personalities because we fit so perf.
Xoxo
AG

5feb 2015- sort of do with my poly clique I guess

6 Nov 2015- technically no, still feel the same as i did a year ago, just accepted it and stopped looking for support in others.